Invitation To Eavesdrop

2007-03-25T16:00:00.000+01:00

"Well I'm gonna be a river boat captain
When I grow up, when I grow up

So we can sail the whole day through
Just me and you, just me and you"

My ears are currently seduced by: Joe Purdy - Paris In The Morning

Reshape Me

2006-12-22T21:15:00.000Z

God in my living,
There in my breathing.
God in my waking,
God in my sleeping.

God in my resting,
There in my working.
God in my thinking,
God in my speaking.

Be my everything,
Be my everything.

God in my hoping,
There in my dreaming.
God in my watching,
God in my waiting.

God in my laughing,
There in my weeping.
God in my hurting,
God in my healing.

Be my everything,
Be my everything.

Christ in me
The hope of glory,
You are everything.

Christ in me
The hope of glory,
Be my everything.

Be my everything.

- Tim Hughes

Just Wondering

2006-11-23T16:50:00.000Z

The problem that we might have is this.

As christians, we fear our message to be outdated, irrelevant, and even perhaps 'primitive'.

How then do we communicate our message in a meaningful way?

Do we use the ressources of the world? In the name of that which is fashionable, do we invest all our energies in wrapping the gospel in the most seductive apparel? Do we become tolerant of and accomodate ourselves around things which erode our values?

We are called to be in the world, but are not of the world - yes indeed, we are strangers in a strange land.

Surely, assimilation does not bear witness to the revolutionary truth we live for.

Surely, we are not called to "compromise with the world".

So then, how do we communicate our message in a meaningful way?

Should we not be so convinced of the truth and relevance of our message that the how needn't be graphed out in steps and programs but rather be communicated by an encounter so radically different to that which is already in the world, that this alone draws the attention of a broken, bleeding and unwhole world?

Thus, if we "compromise with the world", we become just another indistinguishable voice amidst the hoard of other "gospels" that are preached.

Rather than embrace the world, we are to withstand its influences and stand for the integrity of our message, which we must allow to seep into the very essence of our being.

Is this not the sole medium from which our message should be dispensed?

"The most important commandment," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

My ears are currently seduced by: the roaring sound of computers

2006-11-17T20:45:00.000Z

Nothing is sacred anymore; everything is for sale.

Psalm 143:8

2006-11-16T16:30:00.001Z

My ears are currently seduced by: Chris Tomlin - See The Morning

To Be Found

2006-08-28T20:00:00.000+01:00

"At issue here is the question: 'To whom do I belong? To God or to the world?' Many of my preoccupations suggest that I belong more to the world than to God. A little criticism makes me angry, and a little rejection makes me depressed. A little praise raises my spirits, and a little success excites me. It takes very little to raise me up or thrust me down. Often I am like a small boat on the ocean, completely at the mercy of its waves.

All the time and energy I spend in keeping some kind of balance and preventing myself from being tipped over and drowning shows that my life is mostly a struggle for survival: not a holy struggle, but an anxious struggle resulting from the mistaken idea that it is the world that defines me.

As long as I keep running about asking 'Do you love me? Do you really love me?' I give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with 'ifs'. The world says: 'Yes, I love you if you are good-looking, intelligent, and wealthy. I love you if you have a good education, a good job, and good connections. I love you if you produce much, sell much, and buy much.' There is an endless 'ifs' hidden in the world's love. These 'ifs' enslave me, since it is impossible to respond adequately to all of them. The world's love is and always will be conditional.

As long as I keep looking for my true self in the world of conditional love, I will remain 'hooked' to the world - trying, failing, and trying again. It is a world that fosters addicitions because what it offers cannot satisfy the deepest craving of my heart.

I am the prodigal son every time I search for unconditional love where it cannot be found.

Why do I keep ignoring the place of true love and persist in looking for it elsewhere? Why do I keep leaving home where I am called a child of God, the Beloved of my Father?..."

- Henri Nouwen, from "The Return Of The Prodigal Son"

Take this melody that I'm singing over you,
Singing over you
That you may never forget where you came from
Though you depart for far and distant lands
I'll be watching for you on the horizon
Waiting for you to come back home

Oh and when you return child,
I'll lay my hands on you
Welcoming you back from your weary paths
Welcoming you home, my child

And though some may not understand
The joy I have to see you
I have heard your doubts
I have heard your cries
And sought hard after you
Waiting only for this moment

Here in the shadow of my wings
You are sheltered,
My favour rests upon you
And I wrap my arms around you
And together we sing, together we sing

Home together

Take this melody that I'm singing over you,
Singing over you
That you may never forget that you are my beloved.

Lift Us Sunwards

2006-08-24T19:20:00.000+01:00

"... Joyful, joyful, we adore Thee,

God of glory, Lord of love;

Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee,

Opening to the sun above.

Melt the clouds of sin and sadness;

Drive the dark of doubt away;

Giver of immortal gladness,

Fill us with the light of day..."

Summer Rose

2006-08-15T20:00:00.000+01:00

"To love someone means to see him as God intended"

- Dostoevsky

Transparent Carry-On Bags

2006-08-11T18:00:00.000+01:00

Today's newspaper headline read something like "A worse 9-11 scenario avoided by Scotland Yard".

Yesterday, some people I talked to about it said all this had been simulated to better the image of the British and American governments. In other words, these transparent carry-on bags procedures are a big fat hoax.

When 9-11 happened, some people I talked to were outraged the tragedy had not been interrupted before it occured. How could no one have seen it coming?

No matter how you put it, it's a no-win situation.
What is with this inconsistency?
Will our fallen human race ever be contented?

"You wrote that the world doesn't need a saviour, but every day I hear people crying for one" - Superman

My ears are currently seduced by: Rocky Votolato - Makers

Thoughts On Wheels

2006-08-02T16:40:00.000+01:00

Was thinking about this on the ride home today.

In Cultural Studies debates, people talk about high and low-culture.

But what bothers me most, when it comes to art, is that it has become manufactured.

Take a picture, and you can refine it, change the tones, alter the lighting...basically turn it into something the subject never was.

Record a song, and they'll correct all the wrong notes, crystalise your voice...basically turn it into a pristine clean product.

Can we still say that this kind of clinical art is an extension of ourselves, of our hearts?

To me it seems that simulations of a constructed reality is what art is being turned into.

Maybe this simply runs parallel to the importance our society places on perfection.

Is an off-note all that offensive?

My ears are currently seduced by: The Fray - How To Save A Life

A Quiet Peace

2006-07-30T14:00:00.000+01:00

Sunset
Originally uploaded by Jeanne La Banane.

"Drop Thy still dews of quietness
Till all our strivings cease;
Take from our souls the strain and stress
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Thy peace. "

- John Greenleaf Whittier

Week One

2006-07-28T19:00:00.000+01:00

I have now completed my first of 5 weeks at the Nursing Home, where I worked last summer too.

I've still got a hot sexy outfit, but this year, it looks more like this: (It is so huge my crotch is half way down my legs, nevermind.)

I've been assigned the 'cleaning job' for the first three weeks. That means cleaning my floor's rooms and corridors, mainly. The rooms are all exactly the same, save the fact that the bathroom's emplacement alternates from right to left with each room. Pink tiles on the bathroom wall, white tiles on the floor. Furniture to dust, sink to clean, toilet to disinfect, bathroom and bedroom to mop, room after room after room. After the second day, I had already had enough. The repetitiveness of the tasks was difficult to look forward to at 6 in the morning, when I must wake - surely there must be more to life than this, I thought.

It's also very lonely, just me, the mops and the poop leftovers, kindly remaining to give me the illusion I am saving the planet from bacteria mass-invasion.

It was only when I caught the oldies in their rooms that the cleaning life became sweeter and felt more meaningful. Last year I'd been working at the cafeteria essentially - I'd see the oldies come and go, prepare their breakfasts, talk with them, help them get around. It was a really good experience, and every day, I was actually looking forward to coming to work.

Over the week, I've been trying to look out for little blessings here and there - the sunrise I witness every morning being one of them - trying to seep out some good out of this strangely stale job. I'll be back at the cafeteria by mid-August, but in the meantime, I wanted to lift my eyes from the floor I needed to clean, and look up for something. Something other than the cleaning product fumes to feed my soul.

It is quite wondrous the way God works things out, for out best indeed.

I can feel that my heart is being remolded, melted, and a love for His people is being watered again, after a dry season of being worn and uninterested. Probably for selfish reasons. But this is happening now, as I am mopping floors in my yellow marigolds.

I've been having lunch with a lady who's been working here for over 10 years, she's in her late 50s, and is quite stern and likes to be in charge, but offers a warm personality to befriend under that tougher appearance. It was just us two at lunch, she'd made us an 'organic' lunch from various products from her garden. She's been feeding me since I've been here, and gave me courgettes and beans to take home with me today - which is definitely beautifully nice of her :) Well, anyway, the thing is that she suddenly opened up to me at lunchtime. I felt very honoured to be let into a deeper realm of her life.

And I suppose, it's at these times that I feel most alive, that I feel again for the people God puts on my path, that the freedom God offers makes itself all the more real, that my desire to know Him and make Him known becomes urgent, that my interest in people is not forced but instead, almost becomes my 'purpose'...

May God continue changing me and my heart, and may my time at the Nursing Home be one of rejuvenation and spiritual awakening.

My ears are currently seduced by: Joshua Radin - We Were Here

Borrowed Words For A Yearning Heart

2006-07-23T15:30:00.000+01:00

"He is the Life that I want to live,
He is the Light that I want to radiate.
He is the Way to the Father.
He is the Love with which I want to love.
He is the Joy that I want to share.
He is the Peace that I want to sow.
Jesus is Everything to me.
Without Him, I can do nothing."

2006-07-22T20:00:00.000+01:00

Say Hallelujah
Throw up your hands
The bucket is kicked
The body is gone

...

The sun will rise
The stars will shine
Turning day to dusk
And night to dawn
We'll pass on
But until that time

Say Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Say Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Say Hallelujah
Throw up your hands
The bucket is kicked
The body is gone

Have mercy
It's a wonderful life
Eternal rest for the weary
Mourners party tonight

Say Hallelujah
Throw up your hands
The bucket is kicked
The body is gone

Wave your hands
But don't say goodbye
We're all gonna meet you
On the other side

---
This woman is one of the - if not the - most genuine artist I have come across - she walked on stage last night with an infectious smile, dressed in simple clothes, opened her set with 'Say Hallelujah' and delivered her meaning-full, engaging and challenging songs in the most humble manner. Big up Tracy Chapman, not only for having a hauntingly beautiful voice, but for making music with meaning, rather than making music for the sake of making music.

Wait no longer to go buy all her cds :)

"If you saw the face of God and Love, would you change?"

My ears are currently seduced by: Where You Live - Tracy Chapman

Flash Mob

2006-07-20T16:00:00.000+01:00

Jump Jump Jump
Originally uploaded by samuelmelim.

Gandhi led his people on a Salt March.

Mother Teresa draped herself in poverty and became the 'Saint of the Gutter'.

Martin Luther King Jr. was a martyr for racial equality.

Michael Jackson sang about healing the world.

Today, all you've got to do to save the planet my friend, is to jump.

In honour of the Wolrd Jump Day, 600 million people (I kid you not) from the western hemisphere have indeed jumped simultaneously and gracefully to move the Earth out of its current orbit, to "stop global warming, extend daytime hours and create a more homogenous climate."

What a lovely way to recover the planet. But I was told white men can't jump.

My ears are currently seduced by: Ben Harper - Both Sides Of The Gun

Psalm 63

2006-06-02T16:00:00.000+01:00

Silhouette of Trevor
Originally uploaded by canon_trevor .

O God, You are my God,
earnestly I seek You;
my soul thirsts for You,
my body longs for You,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen You in the sanctuary
and beheld Your power and Your glory.

Because Your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify You.
I will praise You as long as I live,
and in Your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise You.

On my bed I remember You;
I think of You through the watches of the night.
Because You are my help,
I sing in the shadow of Your wings.
My soul clings to You;
Your right hand upholds me.

My ears are currently seduced by: Caedmon's Call - Great And Mighty

Beautiful Simplicity

2006-06-02T15:40:00.000+01:00

You claim to hold the answers
So strange I remember you
Hurled into your intellectual suicide
Of formulas and hollow rhetoric
Bullet points of spoon-fed consumption,
You spin on your carousels of confusion
And pirouette over simple truths;

Dimmer lights weren't meant to blind

A calloused heart will only leave you broken
Dance with your demons if you must,
The symphonic clang will fade like the rest

Let the downpour of the rain
Deluge your heart out of its cage
Follow the torrents to the joy you lost
Dive back to those simple things
That once flooded you with life

Curbed by the four walls of your demise
Was this the fairytale they prophesied?
We're up against a greater gale,
Your pockets are slowing you down
Filled with the stones of your contempt,
Raise your head above the cryptic words
Above the lies that lock your heart in stone

We are merely ephemeral,
Withered in a breath
Still, your dancing shadow haunts you

Your orderly chaos of rhyme and reason
Steals you with the bitter kiss of treason
A life-long guarantee of calculated ecstasy
A watered down, one two three philosophy;

You sketch out your own illusion of safety

Tell me, is it too late
'To find beauty in the things you desecrate'?
Come away, fly on your paper planes
Let us learn how to breathe
Beautiful simplicity;
Skip over the confining lines
You drew against your crimson skies
Let us learn how to taste
The sweetness of life,
Let us learn how to laugh again
Lest tomorrow never comes;

Let the downpour of the rain
Deluge your heart out of its cage.

Peace

2006-05-19T17:40:00.000+01:00

Stand And Feel Your Worth

2006-04-14T17:40:00.000+01:00

Wake, stand and feel your worth, O my soul.
Kneel and know the word that can save us all.

We are fuel and fire both.
We are water.
Wed with wine and ghost.

We are wrought with breath and dirt, washed in second sight.
Woven through the earth, wreathed in rings of light.

Stand and feel your worth, O my soul.
Kneel and know the word, come to die.

We will wield a second birth, whet our wits and knives.
Wrap our knees in earth, wrap ourselves in light.

Wake, we will weigh and drink this cup.
We will burn, but we will not burn up.

Wake, feel your worth, O my soul.
Speak the word, the word that can save us all.
Awed by grace, I fall on my face.
And say the word that can save us all.

- Thrice

Lifeboat Business II

2006-04-05T10:00:00.000+01:00

Ostrea
Originally uploaded by Jimbo-online.

"The lifeboat system of redemption seems so ugly in comparison to the love of God. We can trust our fate to a jury of peers in the lifeboat, we can work to accumulate wealth, buy beauty under a surgeon's knife, panic for our identities under the fickle friendship of culture, and still die in separation from the one voice we really needed to hear."

- Don Miller

The Fallacy of Misplaced Concreteness

2006-04-04T16:30:00.000+01:00

Now that I'm pretty much done with my degree, I have the luxury of filling my days with just about anything I wish to busy myself with. I picked up Walker Percy's "Message in the Bottle" again, and stumbled on a chapter that I liked a lot and got me thinking about Christianity today - not the magazine, mind you, but rather Christianity in our culture, today.

Percy suggests that we increasingly evaluate our experience of something according to whether or not it corresponds to the way it was advertised. He takes the example of a sightseer visiting the Grand Canyon, whom I will further refer to as *drum roll* Barnabas.
Where the discoverer once laid eyes on it for the first time while wonder, awe and delight overwhelmed him, Barnabas is somewhat bored and unmoved by the great thing yawning at his feet. The beauty eludes him, somehow. Barnabas measures his satisfaction by the degree to which the canyon conforms to the performed complex. If the canyon doesn't reflect what the brochure advertised, if the colours are slightly more sombre, then Barnabas will only be aware of the disparities and will not be able to enjoy the canyon for what it is. His awareness of how different it is in real life stands as a separating screen between him and the canyon.

Percy proposes two other examples to illustrate his point - a young Falkland Islander finds a dogfish while he is walking along the beach and by working on it there and then with his jackknife, has a great advantage over the Scarsdale high-school pupil who finds the dogfish on his laboratory desk. Similarly, the citizen of Huxley's A Brave New World who stumbles across a volume of Shakespeare in some vine-grown ruins and squats on a potsherd to read it, is at an advantage over the Harvard sophmore taking English Poetry II. In other words, the student wanting to get at a dogfish or a Shakespeare sonnet may have the greatest difficulty "salvaging the creature itself from the educational package in which it is presented."

Lastly, Percy recalls the scene in The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter, where the girl hides in the bushes to listen to the Capehart in the big house play Beethoven.
"Perhaps she was the lucky one after all. Think of the unhappy souls inside, who see the record, worry about scratches, and most of all worry about whether they are getting it, whether they are bona fide music lovers. What is the best way to hear Beethoven: sitting in a proper silence around the Capehart or eavesdropping from an azaela bush?
However it may come about, we notice two traits from the second situation:
- An openness of the thing before me - instead of being an exercise to be learned according to an approved mode, it is a garden of delights which beckons to one;
- A sovereignty of the knower - instead of being a consumer of a prepared experience, I am a sovereign wayfarer, a wanderer in the neighbourhood of being who stumbles into the garden."

Having just finished reading "Searching for God Knows What", I thought Percy's observations were pertinent to the issues Miller raises in his book, regarding the dangers of following and relying on formulas in our 'journey of faith'.

"I know it's tempting to believe if we will walk through ten steps or listen to only a certain kind of music or pray in a certain way and for a certain number of days then we will find favour with God, but we won't. The formulas, I understand, were created by their authors to help us, but they do more hindering than helping. If we trust in a formula, if we trust in steps, we are not trusting in God. Formulas, while helping organize our faith, also tempt us to trust in them rather than in God... He is the authority we need. He is the God we must cling to for salvation. And He is a Person, not a list of ideas, not a theology."

I ask myself, have formulas and theories replaced the intended relationship we were to cultivate with Jesus?
Are we the unhappy souls inside?
Are we worrying about scratches on our Christian-performance record?
Are we trying to get it by putting into practice bullet-points and one-two-three philosophies?
Is our faith an exercise "to be learned according to an approved mode"?
Does our faith need salvaging from the packaging that surrounds it?
Are we "being a consumer of a prepared experience" by relying on these formulas and steps?
Are they robbing us of potential awe, wonder and delight?
Has beauty eluded us?

"Because we have approached faith through the lens of science, the rich legacy of art that once flowed out of the Chrisitan community has dried up. The poetry of Scripture, especially in the case of Moses, began to be interpreted literally and mathematically, and whole books such as the Song of Songs were completely and totally ignored.They weren't scientific. You couldn't break them down into bullet points. Morality became a code, rather than a manifestation of a love for Christ, the way a woman is faithful to her husband, the way a man is faithful to his wife. These relational ideas were replaced with wrong and right, good and bad, with only hinted suggestions as to where wrong and right, good and bad actually came from. Old Testament stories became formulas for personal growth rather than stories to help us understand the character and nature of the God with whom we interact.

In a culture that worships science, relational propositions will always be left out of arguments attempting to surface truth. We believe, quite simply, that unless we can chart something, it doesn't exist. And you can't chart relationships. Furthermore, in our attempts to make relational propositions look like chartable realities, all beauty and mystery is lost. And so when times get hard, when reality knocks us on our butts, mathematical propositions are unable to comfort our failing hearts. How many people have walked away from faith because their systematic theology proved unable to answer the deep longings and questions of the soul? What we need here, truly, is faith in a Being, not a list of ideas."

What we need, truly, is to know God and be known by Him. What we need, is to go out and discover him afresh, delight in Him, hide in the bushes and hear the sound of His voice anew. Our laboratory manuals, theories, dissecting boards, instruments and mimeographed lists only deprive and starve us from a living encounter with our living God; a God who promised to offer life to the full.

My ears are currently seduced by: Miranda Stone - 7 Deadly Sins

Unending Shenanigans

2006-03-29T12:30:00.000+01:00

A la French

Maybe the Brits have successfully disassociated themselves from their French foe by calling them "frog's legs", but one cannot deny that when it comes to going on strike and protesting, they make a rather fine job at imitating their beloved enemy.

A la Brit

At least the Swiss have sorted the problem out - go on strike, lose your job. Illegal business it is indeed. They're too busy putting the Protestant work ethic into practice anyway.

Pardon me for my somewhat insensitive critique, I suppose I thought I had left the strikes to my old school days in France, but alas, I see, with much stupor, that they have not failed to follow me like a bad odour does from a burp.

Embrace them I then shall.

My ears are currently seduced by: Beth Orton medley

Lifeboat Business

2006-02-17T13:00:00.000Z

...You know that lifeboat or 'desert island' question that people love to throw at you, which also happens to make you roll your eyes with disgust at how pathetically unoriginal the question is?

Well, if your ears or eyes have never been graced by such a wondrous question as this, it is where you need to choose someone to throw off the lifeboat or to kill from the island, because there aren't enough resources for all of you to survive with - so someone has to go. Out of the candidates to pluck out from your sight, there'll usually be a lawyer, a crippled child, a pregnant mother, a peasant, a doctor and yourself. And the choice is all yours to wrestle with.

I just don't like that question, at all. It just drives me up the wall like a legless fly - or something. People try to be all smart and say - right, I'd keep the doctor because if one of us is ill... blah blah blah, but really, if you're stuck in a lifeboat, the doctor won't have anything to cure you with, so what good, may I ask? "Make sure you drink lots of tea and rest lots and keep away from the cold" - well thanks very much, but I'm out here in a lifeboat, with limited amounts of water on board, which as you may know I need to share with these other people I've chosen not to throw off, and we're all cramped and I can't sleep and then and then and then. And then, obviously, no one would get rid of the crippled child - no, this would be terribly politically incorrect. Pregnant mother? No, it would be taking the life of her unborn too. Realistically, though, would she have the right resources to nurture her baby before and after his birth...? So really, this question that appears to raise great moral issues, just doesn't. It's a foolish question altogether.

Or that's what I thought, until very recently, when it came crashing into me from a different direction; it lost its quality of 'supposedly moral question to think about for 5 minutes' to become a question about the pattern I live my life by, every day.

I'm reading a book at the moment "Searching For God Knows What", which seeks to offer an answer as to why it might be the deepest longings in our hearts are there. And why it would only make sense that since the Fall, since God no longer is the one whom we walk in the Garden with, we restlessly try to fill our lives with the approval of others in order to recover our loss of identity and worth.

You see, Miller would say that we have always been created to be validated and approved of by someone other than ourselves - outside of ourselves. When Adam and Eve walked in the Garden, they were completely secure. So much so that they walked naked - no kidding. Man's glory - his security, his understanding of value, his feeling of purpose, his feeling of rightness with his Maker, his security for eternity - was given by God, but when that relationship was broken - one so pure and free of insecurity that they didn't even notice they were naked - they knew it right away. "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid." And God said, "Who told you that you were naked?". All the glory, their glory which came from God, was gone.

"I wondered at how terrible it must have felt, at the fear of no longer feeling God, at the ache of emptiness and the sudden horrifying awarness of self. God have mercy."

We spend our lives playing a massive lifeboat 'game', the very lifeboat I was referring to earlier on. We spend our lives stating our cases, convincing people why it is we shouldn't be the ones thrown off. We are pining for other people, people we esteem to be in authority, to tell us that we are good, right, okay with the world and eternally secure - we need to win their approval so they can consider us worthy enough to stay aboard. We constantly compare ourselves to others, to figure out our worth.

"It makes sense that if a plant is seperated from the sun, it dies, and that if people are seperated from God, they die. And so now it feels as if we live on a planet where there is just a little bit of water left, poisoned as it is, and we all are trying to get it and drink it so we can stay alive. But what we really need is God. What we really need is somebody who loves us so much we don't worry about death, about our hair thining, about other drivers pulling in front of us on the road, about whether people are poor or rich, good-looking or ugly, about whether we feel lonely or about whether or not we are wearing clothes. We need this; we need this so we can love other people purely and not for selfish gain, we need this so we can see everbody as equals, we need this so our relationships can be sincere, we need this so we can stop kicking ourselves around, we need this so we can lose all self-awareness and find ourselves for the first time, not by realizing some dream, but by being told who we are by the only Being who has the authority to know, by that I mean the Creator."

When looking at Jesus' life, we see that among other things, he felt hunger and thirst, and He slept and rested, but had no interest for the lifeboat politics we fight in everyday.
"He believed a great deal of absurd ideas, such as we should turn the other cheek if somebody hits us, we should give somebody our coat even if they just ask for our shirt, we should be willing to give up all our money and follow Him, we should try our hardest to make peace, we should treat poor people the same as we treat the rich, we should lay down our lives for our friends... It seemed He believed we should take every opportunity to fail in the lifeboat game, not for the sake of failing, but because there wasn't anything to win in the first place. It was as if He didn't believe the economy we live within had validity. No part of Him was deceived by its power."

My ears are currently seduced by: The Beatles - Revolver

Mirrors & Conversations

2006-01-28T17:30:00.000Z

Kites.
Originally uploaded by lecercle.

"Ever felt like your kite was heavier than the air?"

"It's been a while since I've gone out to fly a kite. Don't think I've gone since being a child..."

"Do you remember the exhilaration of running down a hill with your kite chasing after you, strings tighthly bound around your little hands, occasionally turning around to follow its movements and then suddenly - suddenly it lifted. Like a baby bird recklessly fluttering its wings against the wind, learning how to fly."

"I remember my father would always tell me 'run faster, run faster son!' so it would lift quicker."

"I remember it so well. I would watch it rise from behind me. I thought one day it would lift me up with it too. I stared into the sun and lost sight of my kite. But I felt the strings in my hands, I knew I still held it. I knew my kite was up there somewhere, lapping the shores of Heaven."

"You always see things so poetically..."

"It's just that something brought those times back to mind. I remember those times when I still dared to believe in something bigger than myself. That there was a world out there my kite would communicate with. When it had spent enough time in the sky, it would ease its way down and whisper to me what it had seen, what it had heard.

I think that if I went back to fly my kite, it would fall through the air. Lifting, for a moment, flying, and suddenly crashing against the hard earth; its frame needing mending.

Suppose it will take me some time to learn how to fly it again."

Chocoplight

2006-01-27T16:30:00.000Z

¡Quero más!
Originally uploaded by Piterquin.

I always feel like a spoilsport when unable to partake in my friends' chocolate indulgences.

I just don't fancy chocolate all that much at all, really. I'm not being calorie-conscious.

What's a woman to do...?

While Birch Trees Sway

2006-01-26T10:30:00.000Z

Delving into old journals and letters
Written once upon a time
I float on rivers of ink
And escalate jagged dunes of paper,
Tales unfurl across deserts
And barren lands,
Through oases of living springs
And watered gardens of life.

As the plot unfolds I see,
This far your hand has taken me
Lovingly and faithfully,
To strange and familiar lands
Through dry soils and flooded grounds,
Walking me over bent iron bars
Leaving only the fetters of your love
To shackle me to the pulse of your passion.

Here, where the sidewalk ends,
Here is where you've come to find me
Maps and territories
Still a mystery to me;
But now your presence is all I need.

I have watched fragile leaves dance
In the autumn gleam,
Watched the wind cushion their fall
Ushering them to softer grounds;
I have watched barks sway
In the northern howling winds,
I have pierced through snow buried treasures
Where intimate strangers find solace;
I have hung my dreams on my ceiling
And watched them smile down on me,
I have listened to photographs
Silently recount, in brilliant tones,
Times when my heart was soaring.

But it's here, where the sidewalk ends,
Here is where you are
To still my questions,
Enveloped in your presence
You dissipate my confusion.

You walk alongside me
Still taking me along your journey,
Lovingly and faitfully.

Sky Is Falling

2006-01-05T16:15:00.000Z

Soho homeless 2
Originally uploaded by ashrafmeer.

"We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take, the less we become
A fortune of one that means less for some"

And All The While

2005-12-30T23:30:00.000Z

You brought him unto this world
On a quiet night
Redemption for the lost
And all the while, you knew the cost

You brought him unto this world
On a quiet night
And all the while, you knew
We'd easily forget the pain borne
In letting go of your heart's delight

You brought him unto this world
On a quiet night
And all the while, you knew
We'd put price tags to this day
And forget the price of your Gift

You brought him unto this world
On a quiet night
And all the while, you knew
You'd have to watch us
Torture him to death

You brought him unto this world
On a quiet night
And all the while, you whispered
'Man has no greater love than this'

Dangerous Grounds

2005-12-11T18:20:00.000Z

I had only heard second hand raves and rants about Polly Toynbee's review of the new film 'The Lion, Witch & The Wardrobe', in the Guardian earlier this week. I stumbled upon it yesterday and read it rather objectively, bearing in mind that people I respected had disapproved of it.

As expected, I found Polly Toynbee unecessarily attacking the film in a relatively predictable and clumsy way - what is it with people who feel obliged to criticize anything that has a Christian message or reference to it. It seems they do it just for the fun of it; easy target really.

"Children won't get the Christian subtext, but unbelievers should keep a sickbag handy during Disney's new epic"

"By the end, it feels profoundly manipulative, as Disney usually does. But then, that is also deeply faithful to the book's own arm-twisting emotional call to believers."

"Of all the elements of Christianity, the most repugnant is the notion of the Christ who took our sins upon himself and sacrificed his body in agony to save our souls. Did we ask him to? Poor child Edmund, to blame for everything, must bear the full weight of a guilt only Christians know how to inflict, with a twisted knife to the heart. Every one of those thorns, the nuns used to tell my mother, is hammered into Jesus's holy head every day that you don't eat your greens or say your prayers when you are told. So the resurrected Aslan gives Edmund a long, life-changing talking-to high up on the rocks out of our earshot. When the poor boy comes back down with the sacred lion's breath upon him he is transformed unrecognisably into a Stepford brother, well and truly purged."

That kind of comment bothers me. It really does.

But, I must admit, though I realise that I might be getting myself into trouble by doing so, that Polly Toynbee' article nevertheless addresses one interesting point. And this one is no other than her statement on how this film is being promoted, and how it has become a big marketing affair.

"Disney is deliberately promoting this film to the religious - it has appointed Outreach, an evangelical publisher, to promote the Christian message behind the movie in British churches. The Christian radio station Premier is urging churches to hold services on the theme of The Gospel According to Narnia. Even the Methodists have written a special Narnia-themed service. And a Kent parish is giving away £10,000 worth of film tickets to single-parent families. (Are the children of single mothers in special need of the word?) ... There are too few practising Christians in the empty pews of this most secular nation to pack cinemas. So there has been a queasy ambivalence about how to sell the Narnia film here"

I cannot help but see evident truth in the statement she is making. Churches see this film as the big rival to Harry Potter and want to use it as an evangelistic 'tool'. Just like when Mel Gibson's "The Passion" was out, churches used the opportunity to hand out "passion-packages" as if salvation was a neat little package you could hand out after a film's screening; promoting salvation like a crystal-clear 5-step formula.

In no way do I want to limit God to my so-called smart philosophies about what we should and shouldn't do. I am convinced that some people are indeed reached out to by these very means I am denouncing as 'too consumer oriented' - or something along those lines.

It is so rare that the Christian message does get out there for the general public to be exposed to at an accesible level, that it surely is important for us to take these opportunities and do as much as we can with them. In this particular case, I don't really have any alternatives to 'package-evangelism' to offer, which I realise is a bit ironic, after my big declarations. I might as well stay put and keep my comments to myself if I have nothing better to offer. But...

Are we not, as christians, called to be counter-culture?
Why do we wrap ourselves in this euphoria of consumer goods and corporate marketing?
Are we cheapening the Gospel by selling it to people in this way?
Can we even allow ourselves to sell the Gospel in the name of God and the advancing of His Kingdom?

Consumerism is the current good news which is offered by secularism to the world, and I just ask myself - how did Jesus 'market' Himself'?

He was born in a stable. Led a 'low-profile' life for the 30 first years of His existence. He chose not-so-respectable-men as His disciples. Most times, after He had performed a miracle He urged people not to tell anyone about it. He rode a donkey for His 'majestic' entrance into the city...the list goes on.

Surely, He could have been born in a more respectable place. Surely His birth could have brought all the family and friends together, as tradition would have it - but He was only visited by country men and three foreign kings. Surely He could have dressed Himself in the most expensive clothes, befriended the authorities and gained their favour. Surely if He was the King, He could have looked pristine clean and boast of His riches... But that's not what He was about.

I wouldn't want to sit around apathetically and watch the world come to know God. We were told to "go and make disciples", so there is something to be done. I guess what I'm really getting at is this: what should we make of neat little packages used to market the Gospel in a 'non-threatening friendly and attractive way'? Is that what our comission entails today? Is that what Christianity is about?

He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:2-5

My ears are currently seduced by: Ross King - Emmanuel

A Different King

2005-12-10T14:45:00.000Z

""Where has God gone?" he cried. "I shall tell you. We have killed him - you and I. We are his murderers. But how have we done this? How were we able to drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the entire horizon? What did we do when we unchained the earth from its sun? Whither is it moving now? Whither are we moving now? Away from all suns? Are we not perpetually falling? Backward, sideward, forward, in all directions? Is there any up or down left? Are we not straying as through an infinite nothing? Do we not feel the breath of empty space? Has it not become colder? Is it not more and more night coming on all the time? Must not lanterns be lit in the morning? Do we not hear anything yet of the noise of the gravediggers who are burying God? Do we not smell anything yet of God's decomposition? Gods too decompose. God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him..." Nietzsche.

Once exiled on the rock of St Helena, Napoleon called Count Montholon to his side to ask him who Jesus Christ was. Declining to respond, Napoleon countered:

"Well then, I will tell you. Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne and I myself have founded great empires; but upon what did these creations of our genius depend? Upon force. Jesus alone founded His empire upon love, and to this very day millions will die for Him ... I think I understand something of human nature; and I tell you, all these were men, and I am a man: none else is like Him; Jesus Christ was more than man ... I have inspired multitudes which such an enthusiastic devotion that they would have died for me ... but to do this it was necessary that I should be visibly present with the electric influence of my looks, my words, of my voice. When I saw men and spoke to them, I lighted up the flame of self-devotion in their hearts ... Christ alone succeeded in so raising the mind of man toward the unseen, that it becomes insensible to the barriers of time and space.

Across a chasm of eighteen hundred years, Jesus Christ makes a demand which is beyond all others difficult to satisfy; He asks for that which a philosopher may often seek in vain at the hands of his friends, or a father of his children, or a bride of her spouse, or a man of his brother. He asks for the human heart; He will have it entirely to Himself. He demands it unconditionally; and forthwith His demand is granted. Wonderful! In defiance of time and space, the soul of man, with its powers and faculties, becomes an annexation to the empire of Christ. All who sincerly believe in Him, experience that remarkable, supernatural love toward Him. This phenomenon is unaccountable; it is all together beyond the scope of man's creative powers. Time, the great destroyer, is powerless to extinguish this sacred flame; time can neither exhaust its strength nor put a limit to its range. This is it, which strikes me most; I have often thought of it. This is which proves to me quite convincingly the Divinity of Jesus Christ."

'It wasn't by force, but by winning the heart.'

My ears are currently seduced by: Bethany Dillon - Imagination

Glimpses

2005-11-30T11:56:00.000Z

frosty leaves
Originally uploaded by daveyr.

Life echoed on the streets this morning

The earth crunched under my soles,

My footprints sunk in the frost

While the early morning light glistened upon the crystallised blades of grass

Children were wrapped in layers, covered from head to toe,

Playing with what they thought was snow.

"Another glorious day, the air as delicious to the lungs as nectar to the tongue" - John Muir

Wired

2005-11-29T16:30:00.000Z

Wired
Originally uploaded by Jeanne La Banane.

Like a ghost again you come
Visiting to unravel all that I've become

I leap out but still, you steal the moment
I am captured in your claws of torment

Standing while a thousand fingers point
You do not fail to disappoint

Alone on this dead-end street
Is all I render obsolete?

Your sting I cannot flee
Frustration, you enslave me.

"Let everything be lost in the shadows of the light of Your face. And let every chain be broken from me as I'm bound in Your grace. For Your yoke is easy Your burden is light You're full of wisdom power and might. Draw me closer Lord to thee, captivate us Lord Jesus set our eyes on You. Devastate us with Your presence falling down, and rushing river draw us nearer, Holy fountain consume us with You. Captivate us Lord Jesus with You." - Watermark

Pause

2005-10-31T13:30:00.000Z

time streams by

new faces,

more partings;

reunions

new seasons

more rain

still You remain.

with every day break

a new start

a new begining;

back and from Your footprints

I have spent my life

wandering, wavering

restore this unsteadiness

break my heart

for the things that break Yours

to know You

and make You known;

may our mouths be filled with Your praises

may Your name be on our lips

Jesus - what more is there to gain?

Just For A Laugh

2005-10-14T13:45:00.000+01:00

My ears are currently seduced by: Watermark - The Purest Place

Close The Window To Your Heart

2005-10-07T16:15:00.000+01:00

Earlier on this week, I was reminded of one of my favourite professors who taught us last year. He had everything of the anthropologist look: An outdated Russian hat, a long winter coat, big winter fur boots, thick glasses, specific mannerisms, spoke mostly from personal experience and had no notes; he had everything to charm his enraptured audience.

What a breath of fresh air it was to be taught by a professor who, when teaching on the religions of the Book, didn't dedicate 15 minutes of his allocated time on apologies. Apologising for having to teach on Christianity, and ensuring himself in all possible ways that in no way did he adhere to those beliefs. Instead, when differentiating God from gods, he left us with this question:

If God is infallible, all-knowing, totally just, transcendent, perfect, omnipotent, compassionate, eternal, faithful, trustworthy, holy, impartial, unchanging ... how could people have invented God, He is the absolute opposite of us fallen beings.

What brought him back to mind was a comment made by one of my current professors who said that a born again christian used to teach the module "ritual and belief" but because his main readings were taken from the Bible, his colleagues deemed it wise to replace him with someone less 'Bible-inclined'. It turned out that this "born again christian" in question was the very professor I mentioned earlier.

On that same afternoon, while I was sitting in my ritual and belief seminar, our lecturer inquired about us, the courses we were on and our beliefs. He then continued to say that he had been brought up in a christian environment, had had christian higher education, had been a missionary in Cuba, and didn't believe in God.

Still on that same afternoon, the gospel choir was practicing in the room next to where our seminar was taking place. The windows were open, letting not only the crisp autumn air in but also the jubilant songs of praise in five part harmonies. It made me smile. The timing was ironically funny.

Funnily enough, the windows were quickly shut, keeping those boisterous songs about Jesus well out of our deep discussion on sufficient and necessary causes.

The urge to keep those "born again christians" and gospel choirs out of the way only makes me wonder why it bothers people so much, if there really is no truth to or in them.

My ears are currently seduced by: Jason Harwell - Alive In The Fall

Acorn Galore

2005-09-29T13:30:00.000+01:00

Originally uploaded by ElseKramer.

'Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la, la la la...

Take a walk out in the woods, make sure to borrow the trail where the acorns lay, and taste of the goodness of feeling them crunch under your sole.

Autumn is back.

Thinking Out Loud

2005-09-29T13:00:00.000+01:00

I was watching "The End of the Affair" the other day, and among other things, something Ralph Fiennes' character narrates stuck with me:

"Pain is easier to write. In pain, we're one drab individual. But what can one write about happiness?"

Songs come easier to me when I want to express a less happy emotion.
My heart breaks and cries out for God when I don't seem to be fitting the mould the circumstances around me have formed.
Pain is easier to write.

This is not always true. Send me out in the middle of nowhere with pen and paper, where nature surrounds, and my worshiping heart will spill out rivers of ink on the sheets of paper.

What I'm really getting at, I suppose, is that right now, everything is pretty fine.
It's a strange place to be at, when God does give you the desires of your heart. I don't want to be left content and stagnate, it's just strange to me when God simply remains faithful to me and His promises.

So I feel like I have nothing to write about. Besides a continual 'thank you'.

University started again on Monday, my weekly 10 hours haven't killed me yet. In fact, I'll be starting a photographic project soon, which sounds exciting. We'll be using a dark room to develop our own pictures and will be taught about photojournalism too, so it all should be rather dandy.

I'm in a new house this year. It's beautiful to be in a house filled with peace, as opposed to last year. It's good to feel at home when you get back to your house.

I was at a friend's "do" last night, for the launch of his first full-length cd. It was touching to see him on stage and be so transparent with his audience; it gave me a new appreciation of him and his music. You can sample some of his stuff right here if you wish to do so.

Autum is right on our doorstep: I can feel its chill and notice its golden tint strewn across the earth and sky.

I was reading an excerpt of Hellen Keller's autobiography which recounts the first time she starts naming the things around her. It reminded me of how used to and blase we can become with our surroundings. I've got my camera by my side as of today, to capture various moments of this season which is sweeping by, like every other year, but is still made up of unique days.

"We walked down the path to the well-house, attracted by the fragrance of the honeysuckle with which it was covered. Someone was drawing water and my teacher placed my hand under the spout. As the cool stream gushed over one hand, she spelled into the other the word water, first slowly, then rapidly. I stood still, my whole attention fixed upon the motion of her fingers. Suddenly I felt a misty consciousness as of something forgotten - a thrill of returning thought; and somehow the mystery of language was revealed to me. I knew then that "w-a-t-e-r" meant the wonderful cool something that was flowing over my hand. That living word awakened my soul, gave it light, hope, joy, set it free! There were barriers still, it is true, but barriers that could in time be swept away. I left the well-house eager to learn. Everything had a name, and each name gave birth to a new thought. As we returned to the house every object which I touched seem to quiver with life."

My ears are currently seduced by: Woodface - Good Morning Hope

In The Light

2005-09-22T12:30:00.000+01:00

Dante's Fire
Originally uploaded by The Blue Girl.

Though My hands are wounded, I've engraved your name on my palm

Open Endings

2005-09-07T16:00:00.000+01:00

Thank you,
For making life beautiful again.

I followed the bread crumbs
Home.

You colour my life in
Outside the lines.

I came chasing after you
Only to see you were holding me first.

Thank you,
For making life beautiful again.

Do It Again

2005-09-07T15:30:00.000+01:00

"... It struck me that infancy provides a rare luxury, a quality of specialness that nearly vanishes for the rest of life. Growing up is a ceaseless scramble for attention. Teenagers stay up past midnight cramming for tests, abuse their bodies in torturous athletic regimens, work overtime to afford designer clothes, primp for hours in front of mirrors - all for recognition. Adulthood merely institutionalises the mad rush for achievement. We want desperately to stand out, to be noticed. Meanwhile, an infant need only take a few herky-jerky steps across a living room carpet and his parents and aunts brag about the triumph to all their friends.

The limelight of special attention may re-ignite when time comes for romance. To a lover every mole is cute, every weird hobby a sign of lively curiosity, every sniffle a cause for inordinate pampering. Once again we are blessed with specialness - for a while, anyway, until the tedium of life chases it away.

What happens during fawning parenthood and enrapt courtship offers a sharp contrast to our normal behaviour. We do not step onto a bus and exclaim to the driver, 'I can't believe it! You mean you drive this great big bus all day long, all by yourself! And you never have an accident? That's wonderful!' We do not stop a fellow shopper in the supermarket aisle and gush, 'I'm so proud of you for knowing what brands to pick. There's a huge variety, and yet you go right to the ones you want and put them in your basket and push them around with confidence! Most impressive!' Yet that spirit, absurd when applied to the humdrumness of life, is precisely what we show toward children and lovers. For them, we 'hallow' the ordinary and mundane.

I do not propose that we make fools of ourselves each time we come across a bus driver or a thrifty shopper. But thinking about our treatment of children and lovers did give me further appreciation for some biblical metaphors. More than any other word pictures, God chooses 'children' and 'lovers' to describe our relationship with Him.

Infinity gives God a capacity we do not have: he can treat all of creation with unrelieved specialness. G. K. Chesterton put it this way:

'A child kicks his legs rhythmically through excess, not absence of life. Because they are in spirit fierce and free, therfore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, 'do it again'; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is impossible that God says every morning, 'Do it again' to the sun; and every evening, 'Do it again' to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy seperately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.'

As I read the Bible, it seems clear that God satisfies his 'eternal appetite' by loving individual human beings. I imagine he views each halting step forward in my spiritual 'walk' with the eagerness of a parent watching a child taking the first step. And perhaps, when the secrets of the universe are revealed, we will learn an underlying purpose of parenthood and romantic love. It may be that God has granted us these times of specialness to awaken us to the mere possibility of infinite love. Of that love, our most intimate experiences here on earth are mere glimpses."

Philip Yancey, from "Just Wondering"

My ears are currently seduced by: Silers Bald - Real Life

Nada Muchos

2005-08-02T18:00:00.000+01:00

I've been trying to think of something deep and philosophical to leave with you, during my extended absence.

But alas, my neurones have not produced anything worthy of being posted.

So here it is, a brainless blabber, wishing you all merry tidings.

May the waves __/) __/) of His awesome :-O mercy
..................................................>
dwell among you like the birds > ......of the sky forever more.
..................................................>
Peace.

My ears are currently seduced by: Dwayne Roberts - Apostolic Prayers

Lay Down

2005-08-01T18:00:00.000+01:00

Lay down your head Elizabeth,
Someone will come for you.
I'm sorry this upsets you
I see it's hard for you to understand

I won't pretend I know
What it feels like to lose your mind
Come ask me for answers, time after time,
I don't mind.

You call me over,
Just to have someone to smile to
Worried I'd forget about you
Don't doubt it for a second, all eyes are on you

I won't pretend I know
What it's like to be alone, and feel forgotten
Save me a seat next to you, time after time,
I really don't mind.

I overheard them saying
That he won't pull through
You know that too, only too well
You gently squeeze my hand
But nothing brings comfort to you

You've lived your life
Given him all the love you had
But you say you had so much more to give
Don't be afraid to cry,
Cry...

Lay down your head Elizabeth, He will come for you.

My ears are currently seduced by: Kate Rusby - Underneath The Stars

Sepia Tone Loving

2005-07-28T21:45:00.000+01:00

I was looking through old photo albums yesterday, to make sense of my life. Put the puzzle pieces together.

No, not really. It had no profound ulterior motive. Just for good old time's sake - not that time now is any less good. In fact, what's with "the good old time"?

Here are bits and bobs, bits and bats, - whatever you may choose to call it - of my early years I wish to share with you. Be inspired, not sure why, but why not?

You are allowed to go "aww", yes yes.

Tuscan light

Ilago - pre little brother time

Family reunions always encompass some kind of odd dimension - that day, we were sailors, much to my amusement

Apparently, I sung myself to sleep every night. I still know how to plonk the piano just as well - only now I use two fingers

Passive cross-country skiing

I heard my calling at a very early age

Those boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do

Always go against the flow

Eden; I was there. Eating blueberries.

Peeing is always more interesting when done in exotic places

Conversing with my next door neighbours

... not sure what I was looking for, or telling my sister about

Gelato on the doorstep

Hours of fun in the garden

Monkey see

Monkey do

On partageait la même eau sale...

Forget barbie dolls and co

Quicksand

2005-07-26T23:15:00.000+01:00

Preoccupy yourself
Remain "busy"
Never lie alone in the deafening silence
Keep running
Soon the ground will disappear
From underneath your feet
Keep feeding off the same addictions
Always come back to the same conclusions

But turn away from the truth
Please, the truth isn't easy to stare at
Fix your eyes on your next fix
Maybe tomorrow you can find the time
Maybe tomorrow you can find the time

Until then, pull yourself up
Let the choking strings
Walk you into the glamorous spotlights
Just play your role,
Smile while the cameras click
Feed off the wild applause
Maybe tomorrow you can find the time
To break free.

How long will you run away?
How many more times will you turn away?
Do the bruises heal that quickly?

The world is dying,
And taking you along
Do I have to watch you
Get stabbed in the back?
You hold on tight
To what you know
To what is safe

Let go, His hands are there to catch you, beautiful child.

My ears are currently seduced by: 3 Doors Down - Seventeen Days

She's Got A Ticket To Ride

2005-07-22T19:00:00.000+01:00

holy crap

holy cow

holy trousers

The best way to earn your way into the pearly gates of heaven. It only takes a few steps.

"... Walk right in, sit right down, daddy let your mind roll on, everybody's talkin' 'bout a new way of walkin' - Do you wanna lose your mind?"

My ears are currently seduced by: Ottis Redding - Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay

For Thine Fine Palate

2005-07-18T20:00:00.000+01:00

I made the greatest and oddest discovery in history today - much greater, important and life changing than Columbus and Da Vinci's discoveries put together.

Nearly.

Looks like the Swiss have been under the influence of Rocky Vander Benderscum.

Go Switzerland.

My ears are currently seduced by: Telecast - Beauty Of Simplicity

Thoughts

2005-07-17T20:30:00.000+01:00

Too many to know where to start.

Dear friend, it's good to see you again,
It's good to still see you travelling
Through the terrain of your soul.
It's good to know
Little things still drive you
And put a smile across your face.

Dear friend, you hit the same wall
Time and time again
I listen to you speak - it's all the same.
It's a shame.

My friend, run towards Him,
Never cease to fight,
Fight that good fight of faith.
He will make you whole.
In Him, you have life
And the room to breathe.
Seek refuge in Him,
From the arrows of discouragement
And deception.
May He leave footprints
For you to follow
In this confusing darkness.
I'm praying for you.

It was good to sing and play with you
Hey, apparently we're a good team
"Moving and inspiring" -
We should tour the world
Like troubadours

My friends, I miss you.
Sometimes I wish
I had super power-ranger powers
To be in two places at once...
Anything is possible through God who strengthens me!

Dear God, thank You
For breathing Your life in me,
For being a God of revelation and of compassion,
A God who daily pursues His child,
Thank You for exceeding every one of my expectations,
For being a God full of mystery,
Glory
And majesty.

For knowing what delights my heart most.
For knowing me so perfectly,
For loving the me, not the who-I-try-to-be
Thank You for times when I don't have answers,
When You remind me that You are God.
Thank You for never failing at coming through.
Thank You because You're the only one I can depend on,
The only One who will never fail me.
Thank You for being Love,
For breaking my heart for Your people.

For every good and perfect gift You enrich me with.
Thank You for every single person
You have woven into the tapestry of my life.

Thank You for knowing where I'm coming from
Each time I speak with You.
Thank You for always finding me where I am.
Thank You for times of brokeness
When I see the idols I made for myself
Can't save me.

Thank You because a whisper alone
Stills my fears and restlessness,
And Your presence quietens my rushing questions.

Thank You for making Yourself known to me
Through the people I encounter daily.

Thank You because Your word is alive.

Thank You because You are truly more than enough,
If only I'd drink that in,
And abide in You,
For more than a day.
Thank You because apart from You
I can do nothing.

Thank You for loving me so much
That when I turn away,
When I seek a life of my own
It grieves You
And You come back and wait for me
Always.
Thank You for Your measureless grace.

Thank You because You are turning my rags
Into beautiful garments.

Thank You for being uncontainable;
Immeasurable.

Thank You for every breath You grant me
For every dawn You bring,
For every season You hold me through.
Thank You for letting me hear the songs
You sing over me.
Thank You for every thing
That brings a smile,
A laugh.
And for the tears only You can hear.
Thank You for the things
Yet to come.
Thank You for the life of abundance
You come to breathe into Your children.
Thank You that Your joy is my strength.

Thank You that You take the time
To discipline me,
To teach me,
To be patient with me.

Thank You for the gift of Your creation.
For the swallows that dance,
Glide,
Soar,
And dive
Into the dimming sunlight

For making every new day
New.

Thank You for the gift of friendship
And the gift of music -
May my life be an ongoing harmony
To the song You sing over me.

My ears are currently seduced by: Rockwell Church - random mix of songs

Epilogue

2005-07-12T17:30:00.000+01:00

...I ushered them into the lift, placing them at each end of the little elevated room, in such a way that they were facing each other.

They hadn't seen each other face to face in a long time, maybe since they had arrived here, I speculated.

Still startled by his wife's radiating beauty which was only magnified by love's lines written upon her face, he wheeled himself over to kiss her.
"My darling" he said, "it had been so long since I had been placed in such a way that I could see all of your face."

Habitually, he had to settle with kissing her hand and holding her arm by his side, with the wheels of their chairs always keeping them at a distance from one another.

Tears silently started rolling down her cheek.
"65 years of marriage" she murmured, "I'm afraid I won't see him again."

Mr. B was to be taken to the hospital for tests in an hour.
Tests for his cancer.
He only has a couple more days to live.

I brought them over to a table where they started playing cards. They both won a game; he then let her take the last win.

The time was now closer to his departure, they moved closer to the main door.

He held her arm tightly, they exchanged words, punctuated by silence and tears. As the doctor walked in, he kissed her again and shook the doctor's hand, in a manner which suggested he had accepted his fate.

Drying her tears, she watched him leave until he was out of sight.

"Death smiles at us all; all a man can do is smile back." - from the movie Gladiator

"We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love." - Madame de Stael

...

2005-07-09T14:30:00.000+01:00

Tales of two cities
Originally uploaded by Drift Words.

Haven't really taken the time to sit down and think about this. I'm still left with my initial thought of "why?". Just why? What's this going to advance besides unforgiveness, intensified hatred and further the antagony swelling between the west and "the others".

Lost somewhere in between frustration, incoherence and desensitisation, I wonder if it has actually sunk in.

I was ironing sheets when someone at my work place came in and said bombs had exploded in London. I didn't entertain many thoughts about it. I didn't understand the context.

Later on, I was bringing something over to the changing rooms and one of the nurses stopped me to bring me to the nearest television to see the mediated version of what had happened.

This picture caught my attention. I'm still left with one question: "why?"

This hasn't failed to remind me we live in a fallen world. Rotten to the core.

The roots go deep. The shoots never cease to entangle this world.

I wonder, where is God's glory displayed in this?

But shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "He did not make me"? Can the pot say of the potter, "He knows nothing"? - Does a book say to its author, "He didn't write a word of me"? Isaiah 29:16b

Cookies & Infectious Melodies

2005-07-03T17:30:00.000+01:00

I got a parcel the other day full of fun little surprises. It wasn't from Rainham, to my great discontent, but it looked like the parcel had gone on a little trip to Ethiopia before arriving to my letter box - it's a parcel with a long history, I can tell you, it's got battle wounds and all.

It's so much fun to get things in the mail. Maybe emailic technology makes life easier, gets you in touch with people quicker, and reduces the chances of getting paper cuts, but nothing replaces the joy of opening a hand written letter, or even better, of opening a parcel.

Among the humorous content of the package came a discreet cd of grand quality. A singer/songwritter by the name of Teitur , emerging from the Faroe Islands. His cd is the kind which you listen to in a loop for hours on end. The kind where each song flows into the next, forming a satisfying whole. The harmonies and acoustic guitar keep you hanging, wanting more.

Much thanks goes out to the Petit Sommelier for introducing me to quality music. Teitur's up there on my list of favourites.

"There's too much sky, not enough blue
There's too many questions to why I love you
There's too many clouds, not enough sun
The rain must fall on everyone

I'm fire - you're the ocean
I'm energy - you're the rhythm
Love is somewhere in between
What you believe and what you dream
I'm just trying to make you mine
You're the ocean

There's too much doubt and not enough dare
There's too much decision everywhere
There's too much talk and not enough time
Let's close our eyes and not our minds

I'm fire - you're the ocean
I'm energy - you're the rhythm
Love is somewhere in between
What you believe and what you dream
I'm just trying to make you mine

You look for leads, I follow clues
You love to win, I dare to lose
Mostly, you're a mind game in my head
You are earth, I am water
I can give you what you're after
You can be the word : I can be the rhyme

There's really nothing you can do
You're going where I'm going too
Stay beside me, stay beside me
I want you

I'm fire - you're the ocean
I'm energy - you're the rhythm
Love is somewhere in between
What you believe and what you dream
I'm just trying to make you mine
You're the ocean"

"Been thinkin' bout you tonight, how sweetly you bring light.
You're the ray of the sun, and I'm the shade of a shadow"

Ps: Contrary to popular belief, the Faroe Islands aren't the ones next to Egypt.

My ears are currently seduced by: Teitur - Poetry & Aeroplanes

2005-07-02T23:00:00.000+01:00

Mountain maker

Ocean tamer

Glimpses of You

Burn in my eyes

The worship of heaven

Fills up the skies

You made it all

Said, "let there be"

And there was

All that we see

The sound of Your voice

The works of Your hands

You do all things well

Star creator

Wind breather

The strokes of Your beauty

Brushed through the clouds

Light from the heavens

Touching the ground

Imagination runs wild

And breathes the breath of life

Across the fields

Across the miles

'You Do All Things Well', Chris Tomlin

Inspiration Found In Unsuspected Places

2005-07-01T19:30:00.000+01:00

I really love meeting new people and getting to know them.
I love "connecting" with them.
I love to know someone's "story".
I love this job, not because I have discovered a secret passion and calling in the washing clothes field, but because I get to interact with people.
I get to work with people who I could easily walk by. I don't need to use my brain too much for this job, so I get the chance to focus on the people around me instead. People who don't pretend to be anything they're not. People who are straightforward.

Clarissa, from Peru, is the one who's caught my attention most. Maybe because she follows the Spanish work ethic rather than the rigid Swiss one, which suits me best. She doesn't get stuck up on details. If a sheet's not perfectly folded, it's fine. If I make a mistake, she extends grace to the ends of the earth, and helps me fix what I did wrong.

I laugh with her, to the point of getting tears of laughter. It's good.

We did something wrong today, tried to fix it, without the "mean" woman seeing us, we laughed at our lame attempts to fix the problem. I felt like I was being naughty, I felt like I was a kid again.

She speaks to me in broken French; every other word is Spanish, it's great. She's completely unorganised, maybe I recognise myself somewhere there. She's the most well intentioned person around. She's a pleasure to work with. It's appeasing to be in her company.
She studied in Peru to get a degree, but she told me that she couldn't use it here because she can't speak French well enough. But she wants to learn. In a few years, when her little girl will be older, she'll be able to take up her studies again.

I admire her. This job is a killer. You're up all day, doing all sorts of things that physically demand resistance. Your back aches. Your legs ache. Your arms ache. But she goes home to her kid and husband, is a mother, a wife and a friend to her entourage. Finds the energy there somewhere to be all that too.

I get home and am about to collapse. By 9:30 I'm in bed.

Her simplicity and dedication gave me a real apprecation of life. Of how genuinely spoilt I am to have the life I have. Of my parents for raising us kids, for putting up with us after long hours at work. Of her.

She's off on her holidays tomorrow. So I won't work with her before I finish my time there, but she's left a lasting impression. My thanks goes out to her. Hope I'll bump into her some time again...

My ears are currently seduced by: John Mayer - Room For Squares

When It Rains In June

2005-06-29T16:30:00.000+01:00

I love the smell after it rains.

I biked home under a light shower, a dark cloud followed me home; the mountains around me were still lit with the afternoon's sunshine.

I felt the rain drops splash against my face and arms. Heard the distant rolling thunder above my folk-ey mix streaming through my ears. Felt the warmth from the asphalt. Smelled the corn and wheat fields get wet. Watched the birds fly out to find shelter. Smiled.

It started pouring when I walked into my house.

Thank you Jesus.

Self Portrait

2005-06-27T16:00:00.000+01:00

These are my thoughts after Day One of my summer job in an old people's home:

- The bike ride to my job is beautiful, cool and calm at this time of the morning (6:30)

- I can't believe I'm actually wearing this hideous outfit (see drawing above). Good thing I'm not trying to impress anyone, I feel ridiculous enough as it is

- old people can be really cute

- but I hope my Father takes me Home before I become too old and senile

- I don't understand the theory behind ironing boxer shorts/pyjamas? (had to iron today, oh dear...I hadn't ironed anything since I was 10, when I thought it was great fun ironing napkins and the like. I think I got back in touch with my ironing side)

- who designs old people's clothes? Although, in the heaps of clothes we washed, I actually saw one very cool sweatshirt. Almost stole it, but thought I'd wait for the last day to do that

- by the end of July, I'll know how to speak Portuguese and Spanish, it's all I hear all day

- my boss is hilarious

- it's weird, I feel like I've been working here forever already, it's been really easy to settle in

- I like this job, I have the time to think about everything and nothing all at once

- I have a weird obsession with clean clothes, and the smell of washing product (I think that on hot summer days, I could fall asleep in a bunch of freshly cleaned clothes...I'm a bit strange)

- it's painful having to stand up for over 7 hours (RSI looks inevitable)

- the last thing I want to do is bike home (but it wasn't so bad in the end)

- I need a shower and a nap

So off I go...

My ears are currently seduced by: My summer mix

<< Rewind <<

2005-06-26T18:30:00.000+01:00

"Family photos depict smiling faces, births, weddings, holidays, children's birthday parties. People take pictures of the happy moments in their lives. Someone looking through our photo album would conclude that we had led a joyous, leisurly existence, free of tragedy. No one ever takes a photograph of something they want to forget."

"I'm sure my customers never think about it, but these snapshots are their little stands against the flow of time. The shutters click, the flash goes off, and they've stopped time for just the blink of an eye. And if these pictures have anything important to say to future generations, it's this: 'I was here. I existed. I was young. I was happy. And someone cared enough about me in this world to take my picture.'"

"Most people don't take snapshots of the little things; the used band aid, the guy at the petrol station, the wasp on the jello. But these are the things that make up the true pictures of our lives. People don't take pictures of these things."

Quotes from "One Hour Photo"

My ears are currently seduced by: Patti Griffin - random songs of hers

Gold In The Air Of Summer

2005-06-24T16:00:00.000+01:00

Without giving anything away
I can say it's by the sea
It's a house that used to be
The home of a friend of mine

Without giving anything away
You'll find ships inside of bottles
The garden's overgrown
The house is white, but the paint is coming off

I didn't know if you wanted to
But I came to pick you up
You didn't even hesitate
And now you and me are on our way
I think I've brought everything we need
Don't look back,
Don't think of all the places
We should've been
It's a good thing that you came along with me

Gold in the air of summer
You'll shine like gold in the air of summer
You'll shine like gold in the air of summer
You'll shine like gold in the air of summer

I would say that one of the things that makes good artists excellent, is their ability to write music where the blending of the music with the lyrics creates a world for you to travel in and explore; where the theatre of your mind becomes alive with vivid pictures of places, scents, lighting and people.

Kings Of Convenience. The answer lies in their new cd, my friends.

Father's Day

2005-06-19T18:30:00.000+01:00

The same old problem has come round once again. It's that time of the year, I fear. England isn't a good place to be in when facing this particular issue.

England, I have decided, is a country obsessed with greeting cards. And most of all, you need to leave them standing in your living room for at least three weeks before you can gently dust them, then remove them, read them one last time, get emotional, and brutally send them off to the recycling pile.

Whether your pet is having surgery, your nail broke or whether your bathtub is dirty, Clinton Cards will cater to your needs. Say it with a card. And to make life easier, they've already included a little message inside of it; all you need to do is sign; with love. No wonder the card market has won such praise and acclamation. You can make someone's day for the meagre price of £1.

The problem is, or my re-occurring problem is, that each country has its own Father's Day, Mother's Day, Leprechaun Day... and if I am not in the same country as the person concerned, how do I know when the day has come? How am I supposed to know when I should give a bone shaped card to my dog?

You see, this has bothered me all my life: I lived in Switzerland, went to school in France, my mother is American, and now I live in England. Which day is Mother's Day? Considering I'm utter crapola at maths, I wouldn't even be able to come up with my own date after calculating the median of the four dates on offer. I could have spoilt my mother and given her four cards on FOUR different occasions. But then that defies the point; you wouldn't want to make anyone feel too special too many times, it might just end up in a big headed-inflated ego issue. Let's not go there.

So, what am I to do?! Today is Father's Day, and once again, I am at a loss as to what to do.

Luckily, love isn't found in a greeting card. And luckily, my father knows I love him without ever having given him one. Phew. The only ones I have on my back now are the card industries, whom I continually cheat, by not contributing to their 1£ answer towards making someone's day.

By the way, I do believe in letting people know that they are special, even if they can't fit their heads out of the door anymore. It's a good way of kidnapping people who are leaving to greener pastures.

Good Day Sunshine

2005-06-19T18:00:00.000+01:00

When a heat wave was forecast, I thought to myself, "right, if this is anything like wintertime's big hoo-ha that was caused when they announced snow (2 centimeters of it fell), it won't be THAT hot. This is England, after all, it probably just means the fog will lift and it'll remain dry for a few days."

I couldn't have been more wrong. Sometimes it's good to trust the weather forecast. This heat, whether it comes in waves or not, is hot. You sit still and end up swimming in a puddle of sweat 30 minutes down the line. Wet with sweat, you couldn't have it any other way.

Back home, when I tell people I study in England, they automatically frown in despair and say "oh...that place where it always rains!" (now you see where I get my weather forecast cynicism from). I believe my brother has chosen the right week to come visit me - in an effort to umask the truth about English weather, I have scheduled many 'tanning-sessions' while he's here. By this, I believe my point will be more tangibly communicated to the ignorant masses of the continent.

The sun does shine on this isle.

My ears are currently seduced by: Third Eye Blind - Out Of The Vein

A Torch To End All Torches

2005-06-16T18:15:00.000+01:00

...

And in my darkest hour
The brightest light draws near to me
A torch to end all torches,
This is the light that sets me free
All shadows burn away now
But by his grace I am sustained
Though all was lost,
Now all is found and more is gained

Lift me up and make me whole
Instill in me a new hope
Breathe new life into my soul

- Thrice

My ears are currently seduced by: Coldplay - x & y

Up On The Mountain

2005-06-13T22:00:00.000+01:00

'Take now thy son', said God to Abraham, 'thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I tell thee of.' Genesis 22:2

Isaac was his father's pride and delight. The apple of his eye. As his son grew up, as time went by, Abraham grew fonder and fonder of his son. As Tozer puts it in The Pursuit Of God, Isaac "represented everything sacred to his father's heart: the promises of God, the covenants, the hopes of the years and the long messianic dream." Abraham deeply loved his son.

In the light of this deep love and affection, we can only start to imagine or understand how torn Abraham must have been when God asked him to give up his son, his only son. The one person he was most fond of. I suppose Abraham wrestled with God under a star lit sky, as his son was sleeping in the tent, unaware of what was to come. We aren't given an account of what Abraham felt, we aren't told much about Abraham's way of dealing with having to offer his son, his prized possesion, as a burnt offering. We can only try to imagine the anguish which preceded his walk up to the mountain with his son.

Giving up your son, the one you love dearly. I wonder what that feels like. I wonder what it's like to be asked to give up the one person who to you always embodied God's promises, God's providence, God's faithfulness. I wonder how Abraham made sense of God's command which at that point ran counter to God's promise "In Isaac shall thy seed be called". Or maybe it made no sense. Maybe Abraham abandoned himself to God's 'folly', knowing that His ways were higher than men's. He thought God might raise Isaac from the dead - at least he trusted God would come through. He obeyed, trusting that this demand on God's part ultimately had its purpose.

God wanted to highlight something in Abraham's heart. Abraham was not interrupted in his faithful obedience of sacrificing his son until the very last moment, until it would have been too late to reverse the situation. "It's all right, Abraham, I never intended that you should actually slay the lad. I only wanted to remove him from the temple of your heart that I might reign unchallenged there. I wanted to correct the perversion that existed in your love. Now you may have the boy, sound and well. Take him and go back to your tent. Now I know that thou fearest God, seeing that thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son, from me."

After reading this story, I sit and wonder what I hold on to, who I cling on to and what it is in my life that remains unoffered to God. What do I need to bring up to the mountain and offer up to God, so that He may reign unchallenged there?

At this point in time, when the season of goodbyes is in full bloom with university ending, people, I realise once again, is a good example of something I have trouble letting go of. You would have thought that growing up in Geneva, where people continually move on and out of your life, I would be used to goodbyes by now. Funnily enough, I'm still not. Goodbyes smell. As nicely as my feet do after a day's worth of walking around in "europe's largest shopping mall". My newest claim to fame, yes yes. Of course, you can still keep in touch with the people who have left, but it's not the same. They're not part of your everyday life anymore... that's life for you, I suppose.

I was reading The Pursuit Of God yesterday morning and stumbled upon something that captured exactly the essence of what it is that makes letting go of people hard, at least to me:
"We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety. This is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really safe which is not so committed."

God gives and takes away, and I know that He has done so before so that He may reign in the temple of my heart. He brings people in and out of our life; for a season, for a lifetime; to share stories and laughs, memories and paths. With letting go of my friends and loved ones and committing them into safe Hands, I offer them up with a prayer of thanks. Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father of Lights, and I am more than blessed to have journeyed with these people. I know that God's ways are higher, and that He never leaves my side. That He is constant and consistent amidst the irregular pattern of my life. Psalm 121.

"Father, I want to know thee, but my cowardly heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that thou make the place of thy feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for thou wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there. In Jesus' name, amen." - A. W. Tozer

Father, I long for You to reign unchallenged in my heart.

My ears are currently seduced by: Rosie Thomas - Only With Laughter Can You Win

Back From The Dead

2005-06-11T21:30:00.000+01:00

So this is what it feels like to be back on a computer.

Busking. This is what it all comes down to. Not that I've had much experience in the working field, the "real world", but busking might just be my at-the-moment favourite job; one of the finest, no doubt about it.

First of all, you get to play and sing - one of the very things I like doing most - and you get MONEY for it; how crazy is that?! It's the best way to earn money, I promise you that. I'm seriously considering becoming a professional minstrel.
Secondly, if you're as lucky as me, you get to do all of the above with the coolest guitarist and flautist in town.
Thirdly, you're out in the streets, breathing the fresh air - although, to be completely honest with you, from a less idealistic perspective, you're actually sitting about butt high of the people walking by, so you do need to have prayed intensively that the passerbys aren't on a bean or onion diet beforehand.
Fourthly, you get to befriend people you would never come to meet otherwise. They either stand right beside you and breathe down your neck in a freakish way, or they ask you to play "Lord We Lift Your Head Up High" - as opposed to "Lord I Lift Your Name On High" - and sing along in an operatic way. Or...they interupt your playing to ask you whether any policemen are in the surroudings, because they're walking around with a stolen trolley - it's good, you feel like you're part of a mass conspiracy as you direct them through the back streets of Canterbury, where policemen fear to tread. Or then again, yes, my friends, there are more character highlights to be heard of, you have the two teethed ol' fella who mumbles at you in a semi drunken dance and throws 30p your way, it probably being all he owns to his name, but you figure you'll be gone by the time he sobers up, so it's safe to keep his cash. Or, you have the artsy musicians who stop to listen - you do feel quite privileged at that point - and then ask you whether you play in various venues, notably the well known one for blocked up toilets and for producing "anti-folk" heroes. You also have the father and his little son who come with their picnic chairs, unfold them before you and have a little listen and cheer you on - we made sure we played them our best tunes - they have been our best audience yet. And then you have the kind listener who waits til you have a break and offers to buy you a drink in starbucks - who in their right mind would say no to a Caramel Frappucino...? Of course, there are also the friendly faces, either strangerly friendly, or friendly friendly who come spur you on and seal the moment with a smile.

There's just a whole plethora of people to be met out there!

Of course, no job is void of shortcomings or drawbacks. The most damaging thing that occurs is to have I'm-too-cool-for-you 10 year old pikeys throwing pennies at you with a disdainful snicker - it just makes you feel "worth a penny", as Claire rightfully put it. Ear muffs are always helpful to drown out the abasing comments - they're just jealous anyway.
Equally harmful, there is the case of pins and needles eating away at your feet and legs (well, it doesn't happen to me, but some weird flautists suffer from that, occasionally).
Also, it is important to note that you can't be wearing your Sunday best while busking. Pigeon poop and cigarette butts do a fine job of re-stylising your trousers for you.
Your fingers eventually go numb and your voice leaves on holiday, but those are only minor details, not worth much elaboration.

So this is what it feels like to be a rock star.

My ears are currently seduced by: Jason Morant - Abandon

Rethinking Safe Christianity

2005-05-17T10:00:00.000+01:00

I've been reading some of Ross King's journal entries, and his last entry puts into words thoughts that I've had towards how Christianity is 'sold' to us. I thought his entry was worth posting here - I really like the way he thinks and engages with the things around him, as well as the unmistakable humourous touches he leaves on his writing trail for the reader to find.

When you have time, read on.

"I was driving the other day, and I saw a billboard. It was an advertisement for a Christian radio station. Along with the call letters and FM location numbers, it had a picture of some nice-looking people, and this slogan: "Music that's safe for the whole family." I take issue with that slogan, or at least with its implications, and I'll tell you why.

But first, let me say that I only know of two or three radio stations that have ever played my music. I'm not mad about that. I'm quite aware, after over a decade in this business, that I don't have what it takes to succeed at that level or in those markets. The truth can, at times, be quite a pride-killer. But this little essay isn't some pathetic attempt at revenge for being overlooked by that particular media. If you think that's what this is, then you don't know me very well, and I'd advise you to consider one of three choices.

Choice A: go ahead and write me off as a jealous, revved-up loon and continue browsing the internet, in search of happier, more positive reading. It's out there, I assure you, and some of it is quite good.

Choice B: go back and read a few of my other journals and find out what I write about, which is a fair, though certainly not exhaustive, indication of what I care about.

Choice C: email me and ask me anything you want to know.

None of those choices is sufficient to really know a person, but that's probably the best I can do. I figure if you've navigated through my site and gotten this far, you're probably willing to hear a little of what I think. Context is key, and tone is in the eye of the reader. Such are the risks and realities of writing in a public forum.

Having said all that, let me be clear that, as always, my desire here is to give God glory; to say truthful things that draw His people into truthful lives. I have no intention of hurting, slandering or discrediting any person or persons. I hope to be speaking (writing, rather) in love, and not in hate or malice. Hurting people to get a laugh or prove a point is not, as far as I can tell from scripture, Christ-like or Kingdom-building. If that's how I operate, then I am in sin.

So, inasmuch as I can discern the dark corners of my heart, I say with cautious certainty that I ain't doing any of that here.

I'm interested in exposing a lie, not indicting a liar. So, if you choose to read on, know that you are reading my thoughts on a slogan, not a human; on an idea, not an entity.

So, like I said, I saw this billboard. "Music that’s safe for the whole family." I think that was it. Something pretty close to that.

For some of you, my issues with that slogan are so obvious, you don't even need to keep reading. You have the same creepy, sleazy feeling that I have when you read such things written by Christians. For you, I'm stating the obvious here. Don't get a big head about it. You're not necessarily smarter than the rest of the folks out there. You're just maybe a little more suspicious. Like Thomas. From the Bible. Remember him? Poor Thomas gets a bad rap for wanting a little proof. People preach whole sermons about what a doofus he was. "Doubting Thomas." Gee whiz, give the guy a break. He wanted a little "hands-on." A couple of moments of doubt and he's labeled for life. You don't hear people referring to "Ear-Slicing Peter" do you? How about "Busybody Martha"? Nope, Thomas alone gets a negative verb for a moniker. But I digress.

For the rest of you, the ones who are thinking "what's the problem with the slogan," this might be a new perspective. Bear with me. It might sound a little weird.

Here's my issue with the slogan. In a nutshell, I'm not sure how "safe" Jesus is. I'm not sure we should use words like "safe" to advertise our way of thinking and living and loving. A "Christian" radio station, by definition, ought to be purporting things that are in line with Christ. A "Christian" radio station ought to be saying things that Jesus says. It ought to be expressing itself in the ways that Jesus would. Trite as this might sound, perhaps it ought to be thinking, "what would Jesus sing?"

To be totally fair, I'm not even sure they call these radio stations "Christian" anymore (perhaps they use words like "inspirational" or "family" or "sacred," but this kind of language only further illustrates the point that I'm trying to make). If that's the case, I'm not sure what to say. I can't go down that road, or I'll get distracted. So I'll move past that for now and assume that we're still supposed to use the term "Christian Radio Station" when referring to radio stations that play Contemporary Christian Music. Is that too much of a stretch?

Anyway, feel free to disagree with a big, vague statement like "Jesus isn't safe" (I'll be clearer about it in a bit). But before you do, read some of the things he said. (All verses are quoted from the NAS translation of the Bible)

"You will be hated by all because of Me, but it is the one who has endured to the end who will be saved." Matthew 10:22

"Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both body and soul in Hell." Matthew 10:28

"Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword." Matthew 10:34

"If the world hates you, you know that it has hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, because of this the world hates you." John 15:18-19

Being hated isn't very safe. A God who kills bodies and souls in Hell doesn't sound very safe (for that matter, it doesn't sound very "for the whole family" either). Swords definitely aren't safe. Ever seen a ninja movie?

Am I making sense yet? If not, consider that Jesus got pretty abrasive with the religious people of His day. In Matthew 23, he called them "hypocrites," "white-washed tombs," "snakes," and "blind guides." Most of his sentences had exclamation points on them. Like this: "You hypocrites!" See how that reads? Sound safe to you? Is name-calling safe for the whole family?

Now, a trusted friend of mine has been quick to point out the use of the word "safe," in this context, is probably meant to imply that the station will not feature any songs about overt sexuality or violence or crack-smoking. I think my friend is right, and I applaud any media entity that endeavors to take such a counter-cultural, moral stand. But my problem goes beyond that. The billboard that I saw didn't say a single thing about Jesus, Christianity, church, or even religion. Its only statement, aside from its name and location on the dial, was the one that I've been mentioning. Anyone who has studied marketing (even at the very remedial, "101" type level), knows that a tremendous amount of thought and planning and intentionality goes into the specific wording of any and all advertising. When something is said, or not said, in an advertisement, it is no accident.

In other words, we consumers read exactly (and only) what they (the product pusher) want us to know. We can be sure that the content of an ad is meant to boldly and clearly speak for the advertiser.

Quite simply, "Safe for the whole family" is what I was meant to know (when seeing the billboard) about the station. It is what I am meant to believe about the station. Nothing more. Nothing less. "Safe for the whole family" is the qualifying phrase. A Cliff's Notes version of their mission statement, if you will.

Why is that a problem? As my friend (a joyous, God-loving optimist) kindly pointed out, why can't I just be thankful that someone is playing music that is void of all those overt evils?

I don't know. But here's what I'm thinking. If "Safe for the whole family" is the parameter that all the music will fit into, will "Things that Jesus said and did" line up comfortably with those parameters? Doesn't the Bible say some overtly sexual things? Doesn't it contain some violence? Doesn't it speak, quite often, about Hell and demons and death and hardship and suffering?

If "Safe for the whole family" is the primary qualifier for all that is broadcast on that station, what will have to go? What won't make the cut? Is controversy safe? I'm fairly certain that the Gospel is controversial. After all, it states quite clearly that Jesus offers (nay, is) the one and only way to relationship with God. Do you see where I'm going with this?

If Jesus said anything that's not deemed "safe," would He be censored for the greater goal?

I read about a very popular preacher the other day. He has a television program and a best-selling book and a thriving ministry with tens of thousands of followers. He boldly proclaimed that he avoids controversy at all costs. He confidently declared that he desired to edit out any and all controversy from his messages, broadcasts, and other media. He made it quite clear that his main goal was to keep people from ever turning away.

Well, how does that fit with the way Jesus did it?

I'd go into all this in great detail, but I already have. You can read my journal from March 2003 if you're interested in my specific thoughts. But the fact is that Jesus turned a few folks away. I don't like it. You don't like it. None of us really understands it. But it's right there in black and white. In John Chapter 2, we're told that some people believed in Jesus, but that He would not entrust Himself to them. In Luke 9, He said that people who wanted to follow Him had to carry a cross around every day (this was back when crosses were big, heavy devices of torture, not substitutes for the letter "T" on Christian banners). In that same chapter, He warned three different people that they had better not follow Him unless they were serious. In John 6, He gave a sermon on flesh-eating that ran off a good chunk of His followers. How are we supposed to put that into a relevant, here-and-now context? How does that jibe with our evangelism efforts?

And is it safe?

These are the hard questions. These are the things that we don't like talking about. But don't we have to?

I'm certain that I don't know the answers, but I'm pretty sure that advertising our way of life as"safe" isn't the best option. I'm pretty sure that setting out to keep our music "safe" isn't the best way to keep it Kingdom-minded.

And what would Christians in other countries think of such a slogan? In Indonesia, China, Sudan, Vietnam, Afghanistan, India, and countless other places across the globe, Christians face persecution, injury, humiliation, even death on a daily basis. How would these people feel about a promise of safe Christianity? How would they respond to an assurance that songs about their God – the God who had called them to a life of suffering and pain for His glory – would be safe?

I'm just, quite honestly, disturbed by all this stuff. Not just the billboard and the mindsets that drive such things, but all this stuff. The Kingdom of God is messy and weird and dangerous. If it were up to me, I'd want everybody to get saved. I'd want the Gospel to be easier. I'd want the Narrow Road to be much wider. I'd want God to be okay with all of my little vices and failings and addictions and schemes. But it isn't up to me. He is Who He is.

There's a deeper, broader question arising, and it has to do with the potential effectiveness – or ineffectiveness – of our contemporary Christian music. Think about it. If radio stations are promising safety to their listeners – safety for all ages and, presumably, all people – then musicians and writers and producers are going to have to set out to make their music safe, as the stations define it. If they want to be played on these stations, then artists will have to produce art of the same antiseptic benignity that is espoused by these stations. If safety becomes a motivating factor for these artists, then are they really free to express themselves truthfully, boldly, vulnerably, and honestly?

I'd say no. Not if they want a paycheck.

That's the thing that we really ought to be talking about. But I think I've already written enough for now.

Let me close by saying this. For the lost, the hurting, the lonely, the needy; for all who long for relief, Jesus is very safe. He is safety for the soul. He is rescue for the drowning heart. And if that's genuinely the kind of "safety" that the billboard was proposing, then I wholeheartedly agree with their mission to proclaim it. Forgive me if I'm skeptical of that possibility.

Just think about it the next time you jump on somebody for not tuning in to the Christian radio station. I rarely listen to Christian radio, and it's because I'm not sure that I want my brain inoculated with a Christianity that is safe. You'll have to decide for yourself if I'm right, and if so, what to do about it."

My ears are currently seduced by: Ross King - And All The Decorations Too

Church In The Park

2005-05-15T17:00:00.000+01:00

Few things are more beautiful than seeing God's children worship out in the open, with the resplendent sunlight shining down upon them.

Few things are more beautiful than seeing a mother let her little boy tumble down the hill, insouciant of the accumulating grass stains on his beige trousers in the light of his joy.

Few things are more beautiful than seeing a handicaped man extend his arms out in unrestrained praise.

Few things are more beautiful than seeing the Spirit of God delight over His children, in the gracefully light and unfettered dance of a butterfly.

My ears are currently seduced by: Miranda Stone - 7 Deadly Sins

Here, In This Close Communion

2005-05-12T18:30:00.000+01:00

I watch my hand's reflection

Dance upon the strings

Receive this song of love

Words escape me

Take this melody

That only my heart understands

As my spirit reaches for You

You sing over me

Father and child;

Beloved and found.

Hearts Unfold

2005-05-10T23:30:00.000+01:00

I guess I can say that today, God really reminded me that my heart matters to Him. That He longs to delight our heart. That every prayer, every whisper does not fall into deaf ears. That He loves me. That He knows exactly what will make me glad and what will bring me peace, because He knows me so intimately. That He is a personal God, and speaks to me in a way that no-one else does.

When I woke up this morning to the bluest of blue skies, (I'd gone to sleep to the sound of rain) I remembered my faint prayer for it to be a sunny day today, for it to be a glorious day to walk to campus to, to sit my second exam.

I was honestly so grateful that He had heard that whisper, that He had picked up on the desire of my heart. I felt really privileged. Maybe some farmer in Thong (no kidding, there's actually a place called that on this side of the country) prayed for sunny weather too, so his cattle could glow in the sunshine, but I felt God say this morning: "Here's a radiant morning for you. The rest of your day in My care too."

I'd only prepared two topics in view of my exam this morning, and when I was awoken by the songs of the birds and to a glorious morning, a peace invaded me, "the rest of your day is in My care too." The two topics I'd revised were on the exam paper; I was able to answer the two essay questions that were asked of me.

He is faithful even in the tiniest things.

I can't even start to explain the experience of His stilling presence that cascaded down upon me when I drew the curtains open. I'm just ... at a loss for words really. I guess that's what happens when your heart overflows with delight and is overwhelmed by His touch. I'm so glad that God is such a personal God, who knows exactly how to communicate with me.

Joyful, joyful, we adore Thee,

God of glory, Lord of love;

Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee,

Opening to the sun above.

Melt the clouds of sin and sadness;

Drive the dark of doubt away;

Giver of immortal gladness,

Fill us with the light of day!

All Thy works with joy surround Thee,

Earth and heaven reflect Thy rays,

Stars and angels sing around Thee,

Center of unbroken praise.

Field and forest, vale and mountain,

Flowery meadow, flashing sea,

Singing bird and flowing fountain

Call us to rejoice in Thee.

Thou art giving and forgiving,

Ever blessing, ever blest,

Wellspring of the joy of living,

Ocean depth of happy rest!

Thou our Father, Christ our Brother,

All who live in love are Thine;

Teach us how to love each other,

Lift us to the joy divine.

Mortals, join the happy chorus,

Which the morning stars began;

Father love is reigning over us,

Brother love binds man to man.

Ever singing, march we onward,

Victors in the midst of strife,

Joyful music leads us Sunward

In the triumph song of life.

- lyrics by H. van Dyke -

My ears are currently seduced by: Master And Commander Soundtrack

On The Road To Beautiful

2005-05-05T21:30:00.000+01:00

"Let children walk with Nature, let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as beautiful as life."

"The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness"

John Muir

Random Facts You Need To Know

2005-05-04T10:30:00.000+01:00

This is me, according to a personality test I took (before plunging myself into revision, I must draw my attention toward frivolous matters, you see)

Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	49%

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were medium which suggests you average somewhere in between being assertive and social and being withdrawn and solitary.

And for a trait snapshot, I am: messy, tough, disorganized, fearless, not rule conscious, likes the unknown, rarely worries, rash, attracted to the counter culture, rarely irritated, positive, resilient, abstract, not a perfectionist, risk taker, strange, weird, self reliant, leisurely, dangerous, anti-authority, trusting, optimistic, positive (again), thrill seeker, likes bizarre things, sarcastic.

I like bizarre things - that's my favourite one.

And I am dangerous, so just stay away from me...

Apathy, Don't Consume Me

2005-05-04T10:00:00.000+01:00

Over the past week or so, I've had glimpses of how good and grand God is. In times of worhsip, in conversations, in sunsets, in reading the bible ... just glimpses.

Ephemeral revelations of an eternal God.

Getting out of that particular context in which I was stirred was enough to keep my mind busy on other things and move on. My mind was often too crowded to acknowledge God's presence.

Listening to one particular cd yesterday was enough to derail me off the tracks of my routine-like familiarity. The opening track starts with a proclamation of Ephesians 1:16-19, which threw me off right away. I stood broken at the thought that I had let my passion fizzle away after each recent encounter with God; that my faith had become mediocre and inconsistent - I just wanted more of God right then. I just wanted to regain that unashamed passion. I stood broken at my arrogance, the fact that I had fooled myself into thinking that I knew all that there was to know about God. I stood broken at the reality that I had not invited this glorious God into my life for more than a moment a day.

I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and His incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of His mighty strength which he exerted in Christ when He raised him from the dead and seated Him at his right hand in the heavenly realms...

There is so much more room for God in my relationship with Him. I know nothing. He exceeds everything that I could ever come to conclude, He exceeds any kind of knowledge I could have of Him - I'll never reach the ceiling of knowing God. Who am I to think I've figured God out?

Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written. John 21:25

I want to know, experience, acknowledge, be moved by and excited about Him so much more! To put it in Mr. Natali's words: "I want an encounter with life, a struggle, a race, be a wave crashing into the rocks on the beach." I want to be alive.

The spirit of wisdom and revelation.
The glory of His inheritance.
The eyes of my heart: enlightened.
His incomparably great power.
Sweet illumination.
His mighty strength.
The hope to which He has called me.

Father, thank You for breaking me, for humbling me, for opening my eyes and heart to Your astounding glory and majesty. How can I ever stand in Your presence and not be transformed? How can I walk away from our times of communion unchanged? How can I forget about You so easily? How can I take You for granted? I just want to burn with passion for You again! I want to be made alive by You.

I mourn my unfaitfulness.
My arrogance.
My mediocre dedication.
My inconsistency.
My weariness.

But I find joy in His extravagant faithfulness.
Restoration in His grace.
Acceptance in His immeasurable love.
Steadiness in His footsteps.
The breath and fire of life in the gift of each new day.

I found the lyrics to one of the very first songs I wrote - evidence shows it's not the first time I find myself in this place:

I sit overwhelmed by my tears,
My heart is pinned with question marks.

And as the world keeps on moving by,
I hear Your voice calling me

To move away from my complacency.

But I need to know that the seeds that I plant will grow,
Cause I've traded my passion for this desolation.

These faceless forms are all Your creation,
Inspire me to shine Your light among them.

And as surely as the early spring rains will fall,
You'll shower me and heal the cracks of my faith.

But I need to know that the seeds that I plant will grow,
Cause I've traded my passion for this desperation.

Blow away the ashes and start the fire again.

My ears are currently seduced by: Chris Tomlin - Arriving

The Melting Point Of Wax

2005-04-30T14:30:00.000+01:00

Joey - in response to your last post.

"I've waited for this moment

All my life and more

And now I see so clearly

What I could not see before.

The time is now or never

This chance won't come again

Throw caution and myself into the wind.

There's no promise of safety with these secondhand wings
But I'm willing to find out what impossible means.

A leap of faith.

Parody of an angel
Miles above the sea
I hear the voice of reason
Screaming up to me
"You've flown far too high boy now you're too close to the sun,
Soon your makeshift wings will come undone"

But how will I know limits from lies if I never try?

There's no promise of safety with these secondhand wings

But I'm willing to find out what impossible means.

Climb to the heavens on feathers and dreams

Because the melting point of wax means nothing to me.

Nothing to me.

I will touch the sun or I will die trying.

Die Trying.

Fly on these secondhand wings
Willing to find out what impossible means
Climb to the heavens on feathers and dreams
Because the melting point of wax means nothing to me
Nothing to me.

Means nothing to me

Miles above the sea."

- lyrics by Thrice -

My ears are currently seduced by: Phil Wickham - Give You My World

Notes And Photographs

2005-04-28T18:00:00.000+01:00

I got a postcard today from a friend visiting Barcelona. We used to go to highschool together. I remember times when we had conversations about God, Jehova's Witnesses, how she felt missunderstood by her family... I think she saw me as some kind of "safe place" to come to and talk about what was going on in her life. She moved back to Greece after we were done with our baccalaureate. She's written me on a number of occasions. Just randomely. To tell me what she'd been up to, and asking for my news.

Today this postcard has really humbled me. I never wrote a letter back. It's been two years, and I've lamely let time go by, without writing a single letter back. I've often had the intention to, but never carried it through. She's kept track with where I've been. She wrote to me at home over the summer, she wrote to me at my Parkwood address last year, this year she writes to me at my Guildford address. And I have no clue what hers would be if I were to write. Why she still pursues the whole writting letters to me leaves me completely perplexed. I really don't see any reason why she would still take the time, or even have the thought cross her mind to write to me, out of all people.

You write a letter, and another, and then after while, if the person never writes back, you kind of give up. But she has been so faithful to me. And I just don't understand it. It's beyond me.

It's made me think about a lot of things. Recently, in all honesty, I'm having a hard time juggling my "two lives" - the one back home and the one here at university. Investing myself in people's lives in both 'worlds' is sometimes overwhelming and hard to carry emotionally. When I'm in one place, I can just about stay up to date with what's going on there, but it's really hard for me to keep track with what's going on in my 'other world'. As much as I don't want to, there comes a point where I'm faced with a decision I have to make as to how much I can actually take on and invest in from my 'two worlds' at the same time.

My friend's faithfulness and grace seems to have highlighted my unfaithfulness to some of my friends in my life. When I was back home for Easter, I told a very select few that I was back home for fear of being overwhelmed and then of just having to leave again and leave things hanging. On one occasion, I spent an evening with two highschool friends and when I got home I cried. My heart was so heavy from realising how an existence without God is void of any life and meaning. This longing we have, this "god-shaped-hole" we each have was made so real to me, and seeing them fill it with various things just broke my heart. Seeing my friends go through so much pain is not an easy thing. I'm not saying that the Christian life is always happy, rosy and lovely. On the contrary. But without any compass in life, no wonder they need therapeutic support where God could counsel, no wonder they're hurting where God could heal, no wonder...

I don't want to sound like I'm plugging the Christian life as free of hurt, pain etc. It's just that there is so much hope, life and completeness to be found in knowing God.

I really need to learn to give these things up to God and fight to see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel of their hurt. I need to trust that He's waiting for them and that He's orchestrating everything in their lives for them to meet with Him. I guess it's just hard to see them go through so much pain before filling that void with their Creator. I also need to be more faithful to my friends. If I end up focusing on one world, this university one - which is definitely where my life is advancing - I need to pray for my friends back home. Cause in the end, that's what is important. If distance grows as time unfurls, prayer is the way forward; prayer transcends that distance. Man, I need to move my booty and start praying more.

It all started with a postcard ... but I'm really encouraged to be a faithful friend - I've been reminded of what that can look like today. I don't want to be full of empty promises, but I want to be faithful and devoted to my friends, in whichever ways I can, in whichever ways God uses me.

My ears are currently seduced by: Burlap To Cashmere - Anybody Out There?

World Peace

2005-04-28T00:30:00.000+01:00

"People care about other people who care for themselves ... and you know what? I don't care about that."

Yep, I went to see that movie last night. Little road trip to Ashford on a clear and fresh spring evening; there's nothing quite like it. We rolled the windows down letting the smell of the damp earth and blossoming flowers invade us. A worship cd was blasting, inviting us to sing our hearts out. I love those car rides, I could ride all the way to Timbuktu like that. And the drive to Ashford itself is so pretty too, lots of places where the trees overarch above the road. Très cool. The Kentish coutryside is quite nice, I must say, especially at this time of the year, when everything's in bloom.

Funny movie. I was in that kind of mood. Also, maybe I can relate, not to the snortyness, but to the lack of will to conform to the sexual feminity that's sold to you in magazines. Gracie Hart is one cool FBI agent :) I think she should be the next Miss America.

If you want to see Sandra Bullock in a yellow and pink Big Bird outfit, give it a go.

My ears are currently seduced by: David Crowder - Illuminate

Inside A Fire Is Burning

2005-04-26T14:00:00.000+01:00

I don' t need to buy into what you sell me

The pretty lies and the cunning traps you've laid

Just waiting for me to trip and point your finger at me.

I don't wish to fall into this sick cycle,

Co-dependent on the deceitful reality you throw at me.

I won't cultivate an attitude you've manufactured for me

I won't walk in the comfort of your expectations

I won't watch myself die, behind the bars of the category

You've narrowed me down to;

I won't walk your beaten path.

Inside a fire is burning

A fire shut in my bones

I am weary of holding it in;

Indeed, I cannot

His word is in my heart like a fire.

- Jeremiah 20:9

My ears are currently seduced by: Lifehouse - self titled

The Me You Never Knew

2005-04-22T16:00:00.000+01:00

Before I even had a chance to get up from my seat after our lecture had ended, I got harassed by a fellow cultural studies student: "Jeanne!" she called out, "have you seen the movie called 'The Educators'?". Puzzled that she knew my name, and thinking it might have been the english translation for the French movie "Les Choristes", I thought I knew what she was talking about. "Uhm, maybe...?" I replied.

"You really really look like one of the main characters in that movie. I really wondered if it was you while I was watching it." That was enough to make me realise that we weren't talking about the same movie - the movie I had in mind is one full of youngsters; boys. After a brief moment of pretending I had starred in this German movie (it wasn't French after all) and bragging about my fluent German aptitude, I cut the crap and signed an autograph.

Naturally, the first thing I did when getting home was to check out who this imposter was. You see all this time I thought God had said I was unique. I thought God had created my inmost being and had knit me together in my mother's womb in His very own image. Understandably I had to figure out what this was all about.

Well before you explode with impatience, here's a sneak peek ... here I am in my very first movie: by the way - we unfortunately don't look alike, but if I ever want to get VIP access to the Cannes Festival, for a casual chat with Mr. Edward Norton, I'll know who to abduct and impersonate, ja ja meine Freunde!

My ears are currently seduced by: The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

Take My Life

2005-04-19T19:00:00.000+01:00

- lyrics by Frances Havergal

Rocky Racoon

2005-04-16T18:30:00.000+01:00

Everyone in their right mind apply sun cream before they go snowboarding. Everyone knows that at this time of the year, if you don't protect yourself, you get burnt, seriously burnt - blisters and all. Everyone knows. Myself included. But I wanted to eternalise my last outing of the season by getting myself a goggle tan. So I neglected the cream idea and naively invited the Arpil sun to shine upon my unprotected face.

Walking on the High Street on this busy Saturday has been rather entertaining - it's been amusing to watch people's reactions to my leprotic-looking face. Discreet but intent stares. Unashamed question marks on children's mouths. Sympathetic but inquisitive eyes. Confuzzled frowns.

But it also left me feeling alienated. Uprooted. I wanted to go back to where I felt I belonged. Where I was understood. Back to where my poor peeling tan could freely express itself and not want to hide its face in shame. Back to where people could distinguish a goggle tan from a disease. I wanted to go find my homies ... at least until I stood at the checkout in Tesco.

At that point, the curse of the goggle tan became source of much joy. When I handed my money over, the girl uttered these long awaited words: "Have you been snowboarding?" At that very moment, my mourning was turned into dancing. I instantly felt understood. Accepted. Acknowledged for the right reasons. I walked back shopping in hand, with a smile across my face, oblivious to people's scrutiny.

My ears are currently seduced by: Jack Johnson - In Between Dreams

Wish You Knew

2005-04-11T13:15:00.000+01:00

You might say that I have had a sheltered life
But it's in the wake of your fall that I can't deny
How much more life could hold for you -
I wish you knew, I wish you knew

It's not in the arms of any other lover
That you'll feel, 'so much understood'
And it's not by giving yourself away
That you'll more easily walk away

I wouldn't want to flaunt my stability
I've done nothing to earn or deserve it

But I see the tears running from your smiles
And I see the pain bounce from every word you say
I'm left with a bleeding heart for you tonight
Left with a bleeding heart

Listening to you unravel your life
Broke more than my own heart
I'm just wondering what happened
To the you I knew, I wish I knew

Who quelled your thirst for truth?
Who stole the light from your eyes?

Cause I see the tears running from your smiles
And I see the pain bounce from every word you say
I'm left with a bleeding heart for you tonight
Left with a bleeding heart

I know I can't change your mind
I hope you come round with time,
Whisper a prayer for you
I wish you knew; I wish you knew.

My ears are currently seduced by: Passion - Hymns Ancient & Modern

Photomaton 101

2005-04-07T13:00:00.000+01:00

"In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, for in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed" - J. Allen

2005-04-06T15:30:00.000+01:00

One Eighty Times Two – For Whenever This May Find You

You were in my dream last night
We ran down the hills, against the wind
Through the knee-high grass; careless
We wrote poetry in the morning sky
With our kites, extending from our hearts

We laughed til our legs gave way
And in the sunshine we lay
Sinking into the grass
Caressed by the soft breeze

Nurtured by the sweet aroma
Rising from the springtime blossoms
You read me your favourite book,
I drank in your words
And when the sun was at its highest
We found rest in each other's love

'We'll see it all, see it with a view
If we just climb up that mount'
- One eighty times two.
You carried me on your shoulders
We took turns reaching for the sky's dome

I spoke of unsung melodies
Asked if you could hear the harmonies
You spoke of hidden treasures
Asked if I'd be the rose in your wild meadows

We watched the nightfall
Come down upon us,
Slumber's veil swathed around us,
The stars softly lit the dark enveloping canopy;
I found solace in the warmth of your presence

Daybreak; only your shadow lingers
Too close to see, too far to seize
But still dancing on my walls,
Still dancing in my mind,
Still present in everything I see.

Studying Is Good

2005-04-05T22:30:00.001+01:00

From the revision I did today for my upcoming exams, I've had a couple wandering thoughts that I thought I'd share with you. You might want to get yourself a piece of paper and pen to take notes from this post. It's really quite insightful!

Love. In the context of the sociology of belonging. In an individualised society, one of love's facets can be seen as the culmination of finding our identity. Being loved equates to being recognized. Love manifests itself as the desire to be recognized, but not just any recognition - we're talking about being recognized as someone special, as being understood as a special and unique individual. It validates who we are. Though we do need to belong to a wider social group too, love and intimacy give us, to a certain extent, reciprocal identification. And romance is the icing on the cake. On the basis of this formulation of love, based around the need for us to belong, I reasoned that we should tell the person we have a crush on that ... we have a crush on them. I'm sure you'll agree with me that it's a flattering compliment to know that someone has chosen you out of all the people they know, as the special object of their affection; they recognized you as someone unique. Even if it can hurt to wear your heart on your sleeve, and bearing in mind that you need to guard the wellspring of your life, I still don't think there's anything wrong with telling someone you have a crush on them, just like that. Even if it makes you feel like you're 12 years old again and you get butterflies in your stomach. You can say "Hey there sexy, next to you, the world looks colourless, the music has no theme and the lighting's dim." Nah, maybe not. But I'm all up for it. Especially cause I'm the kind of person to think about it excessively much, so in the future I shall take my own advice, rather than waste away with indecision :)

Secondly, childhood. Children are constantly at risk, we are told. 'Make sure you're breast feeding your children', 'watch everything they do', 'you should be worried about everything', 'be careful who they associate with', 'don't leave them alone'… Man. And apparently, some crèches have a webcam hooked up to the CCTV that's in the crèche itself so that during the day, the parents can keep an eye on their kids left in the care of unreliable 'strangers'. How sad can this get?
When making notes for this chapter I remembered when my mum taught me how to walk my way to primary school. She taught me the way the first time and then to make sure I had got it right I led the way the next day. I remember her giving me the "don't speak to strangers" talk, and she said that in case anything ever happened, I should just knock on any house in the village and walk in pretending I knew the person living there. I remember times when I was home alone, and I would play outside with my roller-skates, I'd go half way down the driveway and then skate my way up the hill in a hurry, pretending that a big black car was driving up behind me to kidnap me. I practiced unlocking the door really quickly, getting safely inside, and after regaining my breath, down the driveway I went again. I was half kidding, but I thought it would always be handy to have that practice if ever need be. Back in that little French village, where cows made up for half the population, there really wasn't much to fear. But see, already then I was filled with YOU ARE AT RISK ideas – or perhaps it was just my imagination that ran a bit wild, but I wonder what situation kids would practice for nowadays, if they did. Freaky stuff. Sad stuff too, to think that the world has come to this because of the misuse and abuse of trust. I'll admit that I was a bit OTT when left alone in the house with my preventive practices, but other than that, I loved to play in the garden, climb trees and just be a child. Now, a research tells us that half the parents in Britain would not leave their kids play outside unattended. Sad, definitely sad. We insulate children from their childhood, then they end up isolated - deprived from a proper chidhood. But then again, how does one define what a proper childhood is, and the debate never ends...

A Pilgrim's Journey

2005-04-05T22:30:00.000+01:00

All eyes are turned towards St Peter's Square. Thousands of people are gathered around St Peter's to pay a last homage to John Paul II; all world religions are most probably represented - people who call themselves atheists included. People are mourning and have waited in silence for a last glimpse of the man who embodied the public face of the Catholic Church. Newspapers are flooded with chronologies of Karol Wojtyla's attained successes during his lifetime. 1978-2005: the Pope has had over a quarter of a century to make a difference and move the mountains he felt God direct him towards. October 1798, Karol Wojtyla is appointed as Pope. He is only the second non-Italian Pope to be elected, after the Flemish, Adrien VI. May 1981, two men attempt to assassinate him, only 19 months after he started carrying out his functions. October 1986, he gathers the biggest faith leaders together at Assisi to pray for peace. March 2000, he openly asks for God's forgiveness for the sins and mistakes committed by the Catholic Church – opposed by and much to the disgrace of many cardinals. May 2001, he breaks the ice between the Greek Orthodox Church and the Catholic Church, wanting to regain harmony between the denominations. He was a man who took a stand for Human Rights; he addressed himself to and offered alternatives for a society increasingly preoccupied with materialism rather than spirituality. He wanted to make people aware of the social injustices caused by the excesses of capitalism and preached freedom around the world. He had real social, economical and political issues on his heart. He also desired to prepare the world for Christ's return by fanning people's faith into flame – it is said that he was very much spurred on by Luke 18:8. Due to his illness, he gradually became impotent but never fooled himself or the crowds about it. In that simple humility, he was a blatant testimony to how God's power can manifest itself and work through seemingly helpless circumstances. He was often misunderstood. But he carried on, because he knew that God wasn't done working through him until he breathed his last breath. He said he felt great peace when he thought of the moment when God would call him home; so he found no reason to stop his ministry before then.

The important thing, whether we agree or disagree with what John Paul II stood for, the values he defended, or the Church he led, is to see what is being accomplished through his death. Newspapers, across the world, or at least across the whole of Eastern and Western Europe, the American and African continents, are literally flooded with articles, testimonies, chronicles, and pictures which breathe hope and life. A good echo of Easter's message. After what we could perhaps call a hasty judgment of this man (I know I never took a particular interest in him), different denominations within the Christian faith are now touched and encouraged by his life of service to God and His people. This is a man who used his gifting and was able to gather masses to listen to him. His charisma brought people together to hear the Good News. Some thought he was being too conservative by teaching on abstinence and for keeping a firm pro-life stance, others among the Catholic Church itself thought he spent too much of his time travelling instead of staying put in the Vatican. Others have found, still find and will keep finding cynical ways to criticise the wave of hope that started from St Peter's Square and which is continually and gently exploding into our private lives, through the media. Some still, will say that although his ambitions were grand, he didn't actually achieve all that much – inequality still persists. "Neoliberalism" is still the 'regime' we live under. But all in all, in the grand scheme of things, that's not so much what has left me perplexed. What I find greatly refreshing is that God's glory jumps right off the newspaper's pages, from the numerous articles dedicated to John Paul II. It's actually quite encouraging to think that a christian man has such an influence on the media, still after his death and that God is being spoken about, page after page, as Karol Wojtyla's life is told. I like to think that God will use this to spark things up in people's lives, and stir something profoundly beautiful within us – if we only let ourselves be open to being changed.

My prayer is that in the same way God moved through Karol Wojtyla's life, so He would accomplish many more things through his death. That lives would be changed when they see the heart of this simple man unfold in the pages of the articles, reports, and pictures. That our hearts would see beyond the man and his human shortcomings, that we wouldn't let our prejudices and presuppositions jump in, but instead, meet with the living God - the author and perfecter of our faith. My prayer is that this man - who knew what loss and pain meant after consecutively losing his father, mother and brother at the age of 21; who lived through the German and Soviet occupation of Poland; who attracted thousands to him to communicate something of God - wouldn't just be another nice guy who lived for a nice cause, but that this man's life and death may redirect people's lives towards their Creator, as well as rekindle hope among believers as to what God is doing among His people to reach the ends of the earth.

Like a blanket, come Holy Spirit, wrap around people's hearts and break down defensive walls they might have put up, as they read, hear and watch how You worked through a simple man's life. There must be more to life, there must be more…Reveal Yourself.

My ears are currently seduced by: Kutless - Strong Tower

A Day In The Life Of

2005-04-04T12:45:00.000+01:00

Today, I woke up from the brightness of the sun shining on my bed and after getting up, I had a copious breakfast with Thais. It only consisted of a bowl of cereal, but hey, let's jazz this story up. I opened my 10th handkerchief package; I guess that makes me officially ill now - and nose irritated too! I laughed so hard at lunch time that I wet myself...mhmm - comfy feeling, I promise you. I also went to see Million Dollar Baby, it was such a humbling movie. And the more I think about it, the more I find good things about it. I went to McDonalds for dinner! Shock, horror! You can tell I haven't watched SuperSize Me yet... I hadn't had set foot in a McDonalds in AGES...ever since Claire and I decided to take a chance on the "McWin" menus one summer day of our youth, in the hope of winning the promoted 1000 Swiss francs - as if that was going to happen ... we won instructions for making paper planes and a free drink instead, woot! I walked all the grease off by taking a long walk in the surrounding countryside with my sister though, I am healthy once again. The farm-y cow poop smells brought us back to the good old scout days when we'd dwell in those smells for two weeks straight, during our camps. The stars shone with God's glory in the dark springtime sky. We remembered our worst embarrassing moments. Among all the embarrassing moments I could remember, one stood out in particular. My neighbours have a son which I happened to find rather attractive. So one night, when he was paying a visit to his parents (my neighbours), I had the brilliant idea of taking a picture of him, incognito. He was sitting at his desk and I had a perfect view from my bathroom window, so (oh my goodness, I cannot believe I ACTUALLY did that!) I went to get my camera, set it on "night mode", walked out on the balcony, hid -or thought I did- in the shadows of the night and clicked to take a picture. Of course, having set my camera on night mode, a bright light shone for roughly 5 seconds and then the flash went off. The combination of both the bright light and the flash were quick to get my target's attention and I just stood there, frozen, unable to move. Some seconds later my brain got the message and I stepped back into the shadows and crawled into the bathroom feeling most foolish. Next thing I knew his curtains were pulled shut and it took me a few months before I was no longer embarrassed to walk out of my house. To this day, I am still wishfully hoping that he thought it was my sister...just because I'm nice like that. I was younger at the time, but still, this definitely tops it all off!!

Tomorrow holds many more good things, notably that I must rise at the ungodly hour of 7, so I must end this beautiful day and wish you all a marvellous night's sleep. Ta!

My ears are currently seduced by: James Taylor - Greatest Hits

The Gift Of Life

2005-04-01T05:30:00.000+01:00

We westerners tend to look at other cultures and think - weird. They've got all these bizarre rituals, they're not very advanced now are they? We're so much more modernised and down to earth; we are so much more rational. Well, here's an odd western taken-for-granted-one for you: birthdays. Year after year, we celebrate the day of our birth. We rejoice at the idea of blowing one more candle out on the cake our mum baked with love and care, and we can't wait to open the presents we've been waiting for all year long. Then we become too cool to show any glimmer of excitement whatsoever and all the presents we get are booooring. Why does mum give me knitted sweaters I'll never wear anyways? And then we regain some kind of taste for birthdays, just because it's an excuse to party away - we just don't remember what we did for it. Strangely enough, the next stage of this peculiar ritual is to suddenly keep our birthday a low-key thing and whisper our age in a hush - getting old isn't something that should be celebrated, really. Who wants to know our real age when we've laboured at hiding those wrinkles with Yves-Rocher's cosmetics for so long? However, and this just might be the crème de la crème of this ritual, if we are 'lucky' enough to reach the "amazingly old" age-bracket, then it's time to celebrate our 100+ years of age, shout it out loud and clear! We are weird. No doubt about it. We can't even make our minds up as to whether celebrating birthdays is a happy or sad thing; it changes from one decade to another. Is there no room for consistency and/or rationality?

Well, today it's my sister's birthday - for reals, it's no fishy joke. And in spite of the aforementioned complications when it comes to celebrating birthdays, I happen to love other people's birthdays.

Just because it's a chance to celebrate the gift of their life.
Just because it's a chance to share how much you appreciate them.
Just because it's a chance to show them a glimpse of how much they mean to you.
Just because it's a chance to surprise them and make them feel special.
Just because it's a chance to thank them for who they've been to you so far.
Just because it's a chance to remember how blessed you are that they're part of your life.
Just because it's a chance to acknowledge how good God is.

"...things that aren't funny are funny with you, so I'm better when you are around. Sister I love you more now than I ever did." S. Bettens

My ears are currently seduced by: Sarah Bettens - Scream

For All You Fans Out There

2005-03-28T18:00:00.000+01:00

Woo! I am so very excited about Sarah Betten's cd that I get to buy now that lent is over! (be a witness to my materialistic downfall) :)

She simply rocks my socks off - I want to be like her when I grow up!

For you K's Choice lovers, click here for a live acoustic version of Not Insane, one of the many sweet songs from her solo release. Enjoy!

Beautiful Mystery

2005-03-28T11:30:00.002+01:00

...but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot. They asked her, "Woman, why are you crying?"

"They have taken my Lord away," she said, "and I don't know where they have put him." At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

"Woman," he said, "why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?"

Thinking he was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him."

Jesus said to her, "Mary."

She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, "Rabboni!" (which means Teacher).

Jesus said, "Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.' "

Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: "I have seen the Lord!" And she told them that he had said these things to her.
John 20:11-18

"I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no powr's, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection,
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom."
- Stuart Townend

In The Refiner's Fire

2005-03-25T17:30:00.000Z

The way God works is full of wisdom and mystery. I guess that makes sense, but still, it's crazy. I was going over an old 'prayer journal' today and one of the first entries, dated 16.03.2003, speaks of a time when my youth pastor had challenged the youth group by asking us what we were ready to sacrifice for God. I still vividly remember that evening and the way I felt after it: under uncomfortable attack. I realised that I basically wasn't ready to surrender anything for God. "If today He'd ask me to leave my home and all my friends behind, all the people who build me up in Christ, I know I'd convince myself it's not really God calling me, and that makes me feel like my faith is completely fake. Also, what big trials have I endured which have put my faith to the test and allow me to say I do indeed live for my God the way I claim to? Of course, I can claim that God is a great provider: look at my awesome family, my deeply rooted friendships, and the beautiful mountains I live by. But never can I say that I have experienced God's providential hand at a time in my life when I was in desperate need - not since I was saved. My life is pretty uncomplicated, and I feel like my faith is just an easy-go-lucky thing - I feel it's superficial."

I've always liked the idea of comfort and of stuff. I've always filled my desk drawers with a lot of useless mess, amassed in the name of sentimental value, or for some other equally superfluous reason – not that sentimental value is wrong, but you should have seen the state of my desk (when I still had one). I never was stirred by the idea of going out in the wild and giving up my own comfort – in all its forms – for God's purposes. Missions work really wasn't something I felt called to at all. Leading worship at that time was what I was pursuing, something I was used in for a while. However, it wasn't long before I arrived in Canterbury to start university, and landed into a church that is musically challenging (that should become a new politically correct term if it isn't one already - anywho). Musically talented people were up front leading the congregation into worship. With time, I revisited my mental 'gift list' and looked for other ways to serve, because I was quick to assume that leading worship at that church was something out of my reach. I once sought answers as to whether I should invest in worship in this new setting or look into other places to grow. I have been and still am asked to lead worship in smaller settings, but God has been taking me down another exciting road too. I've concluded that God is presently putting more emphasis on working on different aspects of my life; now is a time for working on my character rather than on my 'worship leading inclinations'. Not long ago, a missionary with a heart for missions (who would have thought?!) came to revive and light up the fire of reaching out to the nations, he based his preach around Abraham's faith.

Abraham's life of obedience caught my attention; my mouth drops open each time I read about him. When called to go to a place he was to later receive as his inheritance, though he had absolutely no clue where it was he was going, Abraham "obeyed and went". Once arrived, he stayed there even when God didn't clearly manifest Himself with powerful signs and wonders to assure Abraham that he was in fact in the right place. I know that I personally need at least ten thousand confirmations as to where it is God wants to take me, to know that I'm in the right place and that it is, indeed, Him calling me. I recognise myself more in the character of Gideon: "give me a sign that it is really You talking to me ... Do not be angry with me. Let me make just one more request. Allow me one more test..." But Abraham was called and he went; he went in humble obedience. He willingly left the comfort of familiarity to go pitch his tent in a foreign land, literally. And, what's more, he died only with the foretaste of the promise he had received. Abraham died in faith that the promise that was made to him would be fulfilled, but never actually came to see it in his own time.

I think I would most probably have given up on God a long time ago. I probably would have wrestled with God on many occasions too. And I know of a lot of things that would have stopped me from following the call. Attachments to a 'here', friends, family, comfort, 'security', the fear of being wrong, of making mistakes... But the Sunday the preacher man came, a hidden longing within me was brought to the surface. If you faithfully read my blog, you'll know that I've already referred to my lack of genuine satisfaction in accumulating things, and have applied the word "simple" to my life with a new direction in mind; He is more than enough, I don't need what I think or what the world around me tells me I do. I've already mentioned I wanted to go someplace where I only had God to depend on and not some back up plan I could lean on, just in case... A place that is void of excess. A somewhere that might be bare of what I consider to be the essentials, but a place that will teach me that ultimately, God and what He graciously provides is enough. A place where His people can teach me more about what life is about, a place where I am brought to humility. A place where God can use me to advance His Kingdom. I don't want to settle for second best; I don't want anything for my life besides what He wills – these words are big and actually scary, and I admit that I definitely don't know what I'm getting myself into but this I know: to lose my life for Him is to gain it.

Friendships are precious, mountains are beautiful as well as great fun to ride and comfort is comfortable and secure, but all these things come to pass. Friendships, most of them will continue in Heaven (I'm working on the ones who aren't as of yet :)), mountains and natural beauty are only a glimpse of God's true glorious beauty which awaits me after my life is spent on earth, snowboarding, well nothing beats that really ;) and comfort…comfort and possessions can be a deceitful security; when they become my prime priority in life, they amount to nothing: they don't fill my soul with any life. God does provide in a wise and perfectly timed way and I want that to sink in more and more; I endeavour to live that out by the inner transformation of God's touch. It's all very well for me to say this now, writing from a place where I'm surrounded by my friends and family, from a comfortable home surrounded by beautiful mountains, a place I know I can always come back to. I realise it won't be quite as easy when actually going through the process of letting go of the people I treasure and the things I'm used to but if that's what God requires of me then I'm willing to sacrifice that. "You've got to give your life for something – my Jesus is worth dying for". And that's who Im giving my life to. Jesus' Kingdom is what I'm giving it for. If Christ sacrificed His life by dying on the cross for me, then nothing He asks me to sacrifice for Him is too hard or too big. "God will not compromise His best for us in the interest of our convenience – Jesus suffered beyond comprehension for us."

Right now, I would love to join a small church based team and go serve somewhere, which is what I'd like to do once I'm done with university. Maybe I'll have something else burning on my heart at that point in my life, maybe this is a life-long calling, maybe one only to last a season. But I'm thinking that I don't want to do this through a big organisation, serving somewhere for only a month and then leave and come back to my comfort haven; I want to get involved in people's lives for a longer period of time, approach things from the inside and build relationships there; I want to get my hands dirty. Between now and then God will undoubtedly be changing my heart towards many other things. For now I'm at university and being used and taught there. We shall see what path He takes me down after that. At the end of the day, one thing is sure: it is simply amazing to see how God's gentle power can change people's hearts.

May I be an instrument of Your peace, an ambassador of Your love, graciously use me for Your purposes, may Your glory be revealed and magnified through Your work in me. Strengthen me with the power that raised Christ from the dead and may my heart be steadfast, Lord You are my only hope.

…Then he called His disciples and the crowds to come over and listen. 'If any of you wants to be My follower,' He told them, 'you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow Me. If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for My sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will find true life. And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? Is anything worth more than your soul?' Mark 8:34-37

"Safety is not the absence of danger; it's the presence of God."

Thankful

2005-03-20T20:45:00.000Z

I'm sitting on my bed, back in my room in Geneva, listening to Ludovico Einaudi. His piano pieces are so soothing. Last time I listened to him was when I was in Starbucks earlier on this week, sipping a caramel macchiato, lost in the maze of answering a question on whether the rise of individual morality has affected our community or not. It's been a month since I've been home, but it feels like I never really left. My dog still boosts my ego when welcoming me back with her jumping crazes - who trained her anyways? She should know better not to jump on people. I catch my parents in the middle of yet another crazy adventure; this time they're about to drive to Vienna, to move stuff into the appartment they have there (sentimental affections tied to Vienna - the place where they met - justifies their crazy idea, I try to tell myself). My house still smells the same, I know I'm home.

But today the garden isn't covered with a blanket of snow - a sight I find particularly appeasing to the soul. It's already time for pistachios and wine in the garden, sitting around sharing pictures and stories, especially for my sister having come back from Thailand. I've already had the chance to hear most of the stories and even though I can't fully relate or understand, the glow in her eyes makes me want to share the excitement with her all over again. I feel a bit torn, even though that's a bit too strong of a word to use, when thinking about my family evolving from a bound nucleus to each of us kids taking our own paths, following in the footsteps of who God intended us to be.

But today the five of us are together; my family as I've known it for the most of my life. My brother is back from his baseball championships. My sister, from Thailand. And me, I'm back from quaint Canterbury. I'm so glad that this is home.

Enter His gates with thanksgiving
and His courts with praise;
give thanks to Him and praise His name.
For the Lord is good and His love endures forever;
His faithfulness continues through all generations.
- Psalm 100:4-5

I'm Hooked

2005-03-19T02:00:00.000Z

"General practice has altered a great deal over the years; like everything else it is still changing. So are patterns of disease. But some things have never changed. Hilaire Belloc wrote:

'From quiet homes and first begining,
Out to the undiscovered ends,
There's nothing worth the wear of winning,
But laughter and the love of friends.'

Since family doctors often follow their patients' lives from first begining to undiscovered ends, many of us will agree with Belloc. Friendship is a treasure that cannot be bought, and laughter, I am convinced, can sometimes cure. Despite all our advances in scientific knowledge and technology, the basic needs of the human spirit remain."

Unexpected pearls of wisdom.

I decided to take my sister out to the Canterbury Tales pub and to take a chance on the band "hook" who was playing there tonight (well, technically speaking, last night, but we haven't gone to bed yet, so it's not really Saturday, according to us). I grabbed one of the books off the shelf and opened it right at that page, "One Man's Medicine", by Morris Gibson. It was so good I had to write it down on a stolen leaflet advertising Samphire Hoe, "an amazing place, made from the material dug to create the Channel Tunnel".

The local Canterbury band, "hook", was actually amazing! Good gamble. And guess what? I broke my lent, by buying their cd. It's sealed, not with a kiss, but with pretty cellophane so it will be played only after lent is over. I got home and wanted to write music; it was that kind of band. Hopefully the cd does them justice.

Strange Occurrence

2005-03-18T12:45:00.000Z

Over the past few weeks, I have come to the conclusion that England is a fine place to put my anthropological skills into practice. No need to go study a remote tribe in the dense Amazonian jungle. No no. Right here is just as good a place to study the ways of people.

A few weeks ago, a meagre amount of snow, 7.562 centimetres perhaps, brought the country to a halt. Warnings were nationally broadcast encouraging people to stay at home and warm their feet by the chimney. Most of my classes were cancelled, the buses stopped running and all the shops in town were closed. A nurse was found dead in front of her house; head 'buried' in the snow and "frozen to death". I am still weighing the plausibility of this incident having anything to do with the "heavy snow fall", but the fact is, the way the media reported it is that the drastic snowfall caused deaths. "Adverse weather" is what they called this natural hazard.

Now, at an approximate two week interval, three rays of sunshine have started warming the face of the earth, and it is definitely time to strip off and start working on that tan. Bikinis, tank-tops, mini-skirts, sandals, shorts (let us not be sexist), towels…they’re all part of the hype. Find a spot and soak up the sun, nevermind the cool breeze. Care to join me for a barbecue? This computer lab already encloses smells of sweat; it is definitely warm out there.

In a nutshell, "there's English logic for you" – (I shan't divulge the source of this great quote).

Make sure to enjoy the sunshine today, tomorrow’s forecast looks threatening to your tan. See you later for the April Showers Report.

"...those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end..."

CapSiZe

2005-03-13T21:30:00.000Z

Seems I'm no stranger to this place,
And I'm no stranger to your face.
This all looks too familiar
Though I thought I held the answer.

I'll ride with the currents
Til they usher me back to shore,
I gave you all I had to offer
Out there in the open
But the winds have grown colder
And I can't hold you any longer.

I do hope the waves carry you
Towards the springtime of your life
Where rich abundance flows from within
And where the bough in the garden of your soul
Weighs down with bountiful fruit.

Hidden, between night and dark
I'll be on the watch
I'll wait for the light of your ship
To set the horizon ablaze,
I'll swim back to you
If that's what you want me to do.

Let me know of the wonders you see
Make sure to take the sunshine with you.
And I'll let the soft rain kiss my face,
'Some walk in the rain, others just get wet'.

Your presence is still anchored in my heart
As I watch you sail away.

Culture Jammers Unite

2005-03-12T09:00:00.000Z

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

"Without question, the 'best citizens' are the ones with buying power. Who or what they contribute to isn't of great concern. The sheer capacity to do so is." - Karen Houle

Don't Try This At Home

2005-03-10T12:30:00.001Z

Red Bull never gave me wings
The royal kind, those worthy of Kings
To fly, far far away
On a cloud of hay
To the land of energy;
They lied to me.

Coffee: decaf, semi-decaf or caffeinated
None should be found discriminated
For none have ever affected me,
No sir, not once do I recall either affecting me.

But how was I to know
That having both was not a wise combo?

That bitter white alkaloid
Left my bed of sleep void.
Ancient wise men warned against smirnoff,
Mixing it with the Bull sends your heart off.
But not one did mention the uselessness in counting sheep
When the Black Bull's high keeps you from sleep.

Thailand: a fine destination
At the hour of sleep deprivation.
A seven hour time difference
Was enough to make my feet leap over the fence,
Down to the telephone line I ran
For a buffet of laugh-all-you-can.

I did fly in the end,
Over the many slumber hours my eyes did fend.

Never shall I once again try
To bring together coffee bean and bull
I shall leave the wretched mammal graze on his succulent rye
While the shades on my eyes I will pull.

Spy Power For Peanuts

2005-03-09T22:00:00.000Z

I was originally going to write about my 'gig' at the Canterbury Tales last Saturday BUT sadly enough the pictures of myself playing won't upload - so I will have to postpone my vain and conceited moment until I figure out how to get those pictures to work, and ramble on about something else instead... :)

Today's been a good day. The listening-to-Jimmy-Eat-World-kind-of-mood day. The first amazing thing about today is that I took books out of the library - something I NEVER do. Sorry, that's a lie. I did once, in my first year. You see I was nailed in bed during fresher's week , so never had a chance to make friends the "regular way". Ah, the curse of freshers flu...it made me miss out on all those clubbing "how dirty can you get" events down at the Venue too, what a shame. On Registration Day I had to pull myself out of bed (no pun intended) and happened to meet, among all the other people throwing themselves at my feet desperately wanting to meet me, a memorable girl who was definitely on top of everything, with it and up-to-date when it came to her studies. Which, by the way, was rather intimidating, and ever more so for the drowsy state I was in. We happened to have one common module for which she was, naturally, very organised and knowledgeable. Having picked up on my general lack of awareness as to what was going on, she thought it was about time to exterminate any crucial course-related defficiency within me. It was upon hearing that I hadn't already gone to get every single book from every single reading list for every single one of my modules that she rushed me to the library and showed me the way to Enlightenment. It all reposed on a Virginia Woolf book which, after being ruthlessly kidnapped from the shelf, lay on the side of my bed; neglected. Considering its superb purpose in decorating my room, I returned it to its place of origin a few days later. Now maybe that's where my phobia for going on a book hunt in the library originates from. Having been prematurely and forcefully thrown in there, the idea of having to find books haunts me. But today my friends, today is a day of grand revival and celebration. I looked up the reference for the books, found my way to the right level of the library and found them right away, as if led by some mysterious force - Virgina Woolf's ghost perhaps? Ladies and gentlemen, the times they are a-changin'; good old Bob was spot on.

Secondly, I bought the greatest birthday present anyone could ever wish for - and it only cost me *drum roll* £1.25! Bargain. It goes by the name of "SpyEar" and it is the "new millenium design for anyone who wants to be a spy!". Now who in their right mind would not be won over by such a mind blowing gadget? It is the best, I promise you. It even comes with TWO extra batteries for "even more Spy Power!". I sure hope you'll get yourself down town and get your hands on one of these secret sound amplifiers. Alternatively, let me know when your birthday is. "You can investigate 24 hours a day, at any place. Even the bad guys will not be able to keep secrets from you if you use your SpyEar." Come on, let your inner spy be all ears - it's now or never, or at least until the stocks run dry.

As I walked from one place to another, I repeatedly saw things that made me smile. Everywhere I went shouted out memories of good times I'd had with people, I was reminded of things I'd laughed about with friends, I saw things that carried me back to that moment when... And I love the simple fact that smiles are contagious.

When I got home a 'pre-goodbye' letter with an enclosed picture of a beauteous sunset was waiting for me. The letter brought many more smiles enlaced with thankful tears. Each word came out of a heart that is obeying His calling, and spoke of His faithfulness throughout times of uncertainty and doubt. God gives and takes away, and though saying goodbye is something I'm still not comfortable with, I am so thankful for the beautiful blessing of a season by the side of my precious friend - I'm hoping there'll be more of those times in the years to come :)

All in all, today was a jolly good day.

Unspoken Prayers

2005-03-08T18:30:00.000Z

With the time I had on my hands between two classes today, I read an article by Mart de Haan on the heartache of unanswered prayer. I guess my "prayer life" has been somewhat interesting of late; the outpour of my heart has been full of joy and at the same time, full of pain. Joy: on the behalf of others, for the great things happening in their lives, and for the exciting things God's been uncovering for me too. Pain: weighing on my heart for the people I need to let go of, but mostly from seeing friends broken beyond my reach, beyond my eventual healing touch, beyond my ability to fix anything for them.

My eyes water. Silent tears roll down my cheeks. No words are uttered; my prayer.

My notebook can't contain the emotions my pen fails to transcribe.

I sit in silence and trust He sees the heartache enclosed in every tear He catches.

Mart de Haan's concluding words are what stuck with me:

"What is most important is that our faith not fail, that our hope not die, that our love does not give up, and that our endurance not cave in before God has a chance to show what He has planned for those who trust Him.

What is most important is that we learn to thrive on what God gives, while bowing low when He withholds."

In this time when my words aren't enough to speak of the storm inside, I try to remember that He alone understands my friends' pain and confusion. He alone knows how to give comfort and courage and strength to get through, one day at a time. I cling on to the fact that at the lowest point in His life, even Jesus cried out "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?". I remind myself that He knew more about pain and evil than anyone else around Him—yet didn't teach His followers to wave their fists against heaven nor to curse the darkness. There's a lot to learn from the fights He didn't start against heaven, from the cursing He abstained from, and the depths of despair He gloriously overcame. Even though He loved so deeply, He didn't go mad out of His concern for others. I am to love intimately, but hold loosely. God is in control. He really is.

"When the Son of God left heaven to become the Son of man, He voluntarily laid aside the boundless understanding that He shared with His Father. And when, in the dark corridors of human experience He walked into a house of mourning, He cried. As He approached moments of separation from those He loved the most, He sweated and struggled in great agony before saying, 'Nevertheless not My will, but Yours be done.' In all these ways He showed that trusting the unseen hand of God is not just an event but a learned process." - Mart de Haan

And on the road to beautiful, my seasons always change

But my life is spent on loving You

To know You in Your power and pain

You're my portion in this life,

You're my strength now in my fight

And to You I pledge my heart

In the pain and in the dark I'll love You.

- Charlie Hall -

All That Is Solid Melts Into Air

2005-03-01T18:30:00.000Z

Socrates' student, Plato, had already witnessed the instability of morality within his Athenian hometown. At the dawn of modernity, Durkheim prophesized the incompatibility of modernity with morality, the nature of the two contradicting one another. He had the insight to see that in the long run, modernity would undermine morality. Today, Jon Snow plays Moses on Channel 4, while 40 000 people in the UK play God and vote the New Ten Commandments. In an ever increasing atomised, individualised and fragmented society, we have squeezed out the possibility for too much social solidarity to arise and mend people together in brotherhood. Consequently, we've lost the tools and the language to guide us. In the shared lack of desire to put our faith in an external source of authority, we have decided to lean on our own personal morality instead. An oxymoron gaining increasing cultural currency. The top 20 Commandments to choose from were "upbeat, positive, and lacking the fire and brimstone of the ancient 'thou shalt nots'."

Be honest.
Don't kill.
Look after the vulnerable.
Repsect your mother and father.
Enjoy life.
Nothing in excess.
Be true to your own God.
Treat others as you would like to be treated.
Be true to yourself.
Protect your family.
Try your best at all times.
Look after your health.
Don't commit adultery.
Live within your means.
Appreciate what you have.
Never be violent.
Protect the environment.
Protect and nurture children.
Take responsibility for your own actions.
Don't steal.

Pick and choose; compile your own morality.

In our post-modern era, there is no absolute truth. We like to see all sides of the argument as to why moral issues arise. We couldn't possibly content ourselves with the fact that there's a standard we've fallen short of. A rigid moral code is no longer accepted, and definitely unfashionable. It was to be expected; we need room for the grey in between the black and white.

Over 3 000 years ago, when the people saw the thunder and lightning and heard the trumpet and saw the mountain in smoke, they trembled with fear. Moses chiselled away at the stones and left a legacy that some deem irrelevant today. Take your eyes off Mount Sinai, switch your imagination off; let the television speak. See what the British voted from their sofas in their lounge, beguiled by the screen. Applaud the final winners:

Treat others as you would have them treat you.

Take responsibility for your own actions.

Do not kill.

Be honest.

Do not steal.

Protect and nurture children.

Protect the environment.

Look after the vulnerable.

Never be violent.

Protect your family.

Even though seven of the original ten were dropped, it's interesting to see that that these New Ten Commandments are still very much anchored in the Christian ethic - only God has been taken out of the picture. It makes things easier to have no external constraint nudging you to stay on the straight and narrow.

"All that is solid melts into air ... all that is holy is profaned"

Great Balls Of Fire

2005-02-28T16:00:00.000Z

Whilst the rest of Canterbury was out in the cold, whizzing snowballs at each other, one loser and another pyjamafied dumbo joined their imaginative boredom - aka essay writing procrastination - in an effort to lift their spirits. In the comfort of their own lounge they took on the challenge of the GREAT BALLS OF FIRE. Armed with remarkably rolled paper balls, their own manufactured snowballs, they passionately aimed at their target of an empty PG Tips box, carefully positioned at an equi-distance from the two amazingly qualified participants. Tears of disappointment and shouts of joy filled the house as each ascended and descended the ladder of winner-hood. In the end, the loser took all - she swept the dumbo off the face of the earth with a smashing score of 12 to 11 and took on the hood of winnery, along with Robin's.

I lost. I wear the crown of losery.

Damage Done

2005-02-27T23:00:00.000Z

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honour one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody ... Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:9-18, 21

How short can I fall from loving? How heartless can I be? I can be so ugly. So ill-spirited. A glance in the mirror and it makes me want to become a hermit, stay away from people. Put an end to hurting the people I care for. Today I'm reminded of my flawed humanity. I've still got a long way to go, I'm still tripping, still falling. My feet still shift in a clumsy way. I walk with dust in my eyes from the dirt I've kicked up. Faced with my total inadequacy to love as I should, it's a profound mystery that God still does love me. His ways are definitely higher than mine. And His grace is sufficient.

Yesterday, once again
I fell down and broke a friend.
Words were said, out of place
I hope that it's not too late
To right this wrong
Cause I was wrong.

I struck the match
I burned the bridge
I'm to blame for all of it
I lost your trust
When I drew my sword
This distance is my just reward.
Can I undo the damage done?

Couldn't sleep, part of me
Was crying out from hurting you
So afraid you would say
There is nothing I can do
To right this wrong
I was wrong.

Listen friend, I must confess
You deserved more,
I gave you less.
It tears me up
That I let you down
I'm sorry.

- Shaun Groves -

Oh Yeah!

2005-02-26T10:30:00.000Z

This is my new favouritest song in the whole wild world - crank up the sound and check it out!

Altitude With Attitude

2005-02-25T22:00:00.000Z

At 2336 meters, I sensed the miracle of life rush within me again. It was a few good days of walking on sunshine and feeling the music under our feet. The knee-high powder seduced us and we spent our days signing the glistening snow with our traces in the forest, hidden from the noisy crowds. We ventured ourselves to places unknown, where the snow was still untouched and pure - in that quiet wilderness, the sense of intimacy with the Creator was immeasurably grand.

In sum, we floated on the powder with delight, I hung on to branches for dear life - the dead ones didn't seem to care much about the critical state I was in and gave way, but I guess that in their old age they were wise enough to know what they were doing, as I'm still around. I uttered not very pretty words at the pain of having to ride in the same position, with all my weight put on the same leg while going over a flat bit that lasted way too long. I also had my times of getting stuck in the powder - I think I've definitely done my workout for the next three coming weeks. We rested in the sunshine while picnicking over viande sèche, jambon, pain de seigle and gruyère. We watched black squirrels leap from branch to branch, and big alpine birds fly around us. I, especially, stoked up on the cheese I am usually deprived of, we ate fondues. Eloi and I beat my dad at fussball though he refuses to admit it, we played cards by the fire at the chalet, I got myself a beautiful goggle tan which was swift to fade away. We laughed until we got cheek and stomach cramps. I caught myself singing a Shania Twain (!) song while snowboarding, it don't impress me much! I broke a guitar string in an overly unsmart way - i'll just leave it at that. And, of course, I took an excessive amount of pictures of which a carefully reduced selection follows...

my dad in all his splendor :)

"Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather." John Ruskin

"I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in." John Muir

Love Alone

2005-02-24T21:00:00.000Z

No one would love me
If they knew all the things I hide,
My words fall to the floor
As tears drip through the telephone line.

And the hands I've seen raised to the sky
Not waving but drowning all this time,
I'll try to build the ark that they need
To float to you upon the crystal sea.

Give me your hand to hold
Cause I can't stand to love alone,
And love alone is not enough to hold us up
We've got to touch your robe
So swing your robe down low,
Swing your robe down low.

The prince of despair's been beaten
But the loser still fights,
Death's on a long leash
Stealing my friends to the night.

And everyone cries for the innocent,
You say to love the guilty too,
And I'm surrounded by suffering and sickeness
So I'm working, tearing back the roof.

And the pain of the world is a burden
And it's my cross to bear
And I stumble under all the weight,
I know you're Simon standing there,
And I know you're standing there.

Give me your hand to hold
Cause I can't stand to love alone,
And love alone is not enough to hold us up
We've got to touch your robe
So swing your robe down low,
Swing your robe down low.

- Caedmon's Call -

Treasures In Heaven

2005-02-22T00:00:00.000Z

I don't want my life to merely edge on the path less traveled. I'm not interested in leading an ordinary life, I don't want to sink into the mundane. My stubborness also bore its good fruits at times, and my rebellious nature has always pushed me into wanting to be a non-conformist. If everyone is reading one particular book, I'll deliberately choose not to open it. I had to wait until the Lord of the Rings fandom had tamed itself down before watching any of the movies. Pop music isn't interesting - everyone already knows about it. Smoking up at school was the cool thing to do - it never awoke my taste buds.

But why is it that I constantly give into consumerism? What is it with my continual thirst for more? What of my yearning for comfort in material things? For things to make my life easier?

It's been a few weeks now that a gentle tug has made itself known to my heart: 'Store up treasures in Heaven'. What am I actually doing about it? Not much at all, as of yet. I walk into my room and the endless amount of small clutter just gives me a headache. The pictures and posters on my walls, once reflections of my life, are now a suffocating and haunting trail of the clutter I live in. I feel enclosed within my four walls - all I would want to do is open the window and fly out. I've become tired of myself - my supposed "need" for more. More. And more.

If I acted upon my thoughts, I'd leave everything behind for a while, go to a place I've studied, like Kerala in India, to learn about humility within the untouchable caste. Learn the secret of knowing what it means to be content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. Leave room for Him to increase, and for me to decrease. Experience a faith where all there is to hope on is God, and not some back-up plan, in case God doesn't come through. To this day, I've still got one hand in His, while the other is holding on to this world, and what it has to offer - which amounts to nothing at the end of the day.

Even though discovering little-known bands is one of my hobbies, I've given up buying cds for lent. And it's just as well; liberating in fact. I got a text from my sister the other day saying we should fast together one day a week. Though the suggestion appealed to me, I wondered what I would be fasting about. And right then it all fell into place. 'Store up treasures in Heaven' resounded louder than ever.

Invade My All

As I watch the gentle snow
Find its way and soflty settle
I long for our lost intimacy,
I long to lose myself in only You.

In the beauty of Your grace,
Come find me in my brokenness.
Thirty pieces of silver: an easy substantial trade,
I've edged You out once more.

In this quiet place
Invade my heart,
Invade my life.

In the name of distraction
I've lost myself, I lost sight of You.
And I stumble over my own confusion.
Please fill me to overflow.

I wish I'd remember You're all I need,
Remember and believe.
I always seem to take the lead
And I'm in this place again, out of breath.

All I have now are Your arms
To fall into.
Faithful, even when I am not,
In You I find my rest.

In this quiet place
Invade my heart,
Invade my life.

Invade my all.

There's a fine line drawn between His will and mine, and I've been dancing on the battleground for too long. It's about time I follow His heart rather than my mind, and learn the steps to His simple dance.

Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to Him than birds. (Matthew 6:26)

I owe thanks to my friend Patrik, an inspiring example of a lifestyle of simplicity.