Unspoken Prayers

With the time I had on my hands between two classes today, I read an article by Mart de Haan on the heartache of unanswered prayer. I guess my "prayer life" has been somewhat interesting of late; the outpour of my heart has been full of joy and at the same time, full of pain. Joy: on the behalf of others, for the great things happening in their lives, and for the exciting things God's been uncovering for me too. Pain: weighing on my heart for the people I need to let go of, but mostly from seeing friends broken beyond my reach, beyond my eventual healing touch, beyond my ability to fix anything for them.

My eyes water. Silent tears roll down my cheeks. No words are uttered; my prayer.

My notebook can't contain the emotions my pen fails to transcribe.

I sit in silence and trust He sees the heartache enclosed in every tear He catches.

Mart de Haan's concluding words are what stuck with me:

"What is most important is that our faith not fail, that our hope not die, that our love does not give up, and that our endurance not cave in before God has a chance to show what He has planned for those who trust Him.

What is most important is that we learn to thrive on what God gives, while bowing low when He withholds."

In this time when my words aren't enough to speak of the storm inside, I try to remember that He alone understands my friends' pain and confusion. He alone knows how to give comfort and courage and strength to get through, one day at a time. I cling on to the fact that at the lowest point in His life, even Jesus cried out "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?". I remind myself that He knew more about pain and evil than anyone else around Him—yet didn't teach His followers to wave their fists against heaven nor to curse the darkness. There's a lot to learn from the fights He didn't start against heaven, from the cursing He abstained from, and the depths of despair He gloriously overcame. Even though He loved so deeply, He didn't go mad out of His concern for others. I am to love intimately, but hold loosely. God is in control. He really is.

"When the Son of God left heaven to become the Son of man, He voluntarily laid aside the boundless understanding that He shared with His Father. And when, in the dark corridors of human experience He walked into a house of mourning, He cried. As He approached moments of separation from those He loved the most, He sweated and struggled in great agony before saying, 'Nevertheless not My will, but Yours be done.' In all these ways He showed that trusting the unseen hand of God is not just an event but a learned process." - Mart de Haan

And on the road to beautiful, my seasons always change

But my life is spent on loving You

To know You in Your power and pain

You're my portion in this life,

You're my strength now in my fight

And to You I pledge my heart

In the pain and in the dark I'll love You.

- Charlie Hall -