In The Refiner's Fire

The way God works is full of wisdom and mystery. I guess that makes sense, but still, it's crazy. I was going over an old 'prayer journal' today and one of the first entries, dated 16.03.2003, speaks of a time when my youth pastor had challenged the youth group by asking us what we were ready to sacrifice for God. I still vividly remember that evening and the way I felt after it: under uncomfortable attack. I realised that I basically wasn't ready to surrender anything for God. "If today He'd ask me to leave my home and all my friends behind, all the people who build me up in Christ, I know I'd convince myself it's not really God calling me, and that makes me feel like my faith is completely fake. Also, what big trials have I endured which have put my faith to the test and allow me to say I do indeed live for my God the way I claim to? Of course, I can claim that God is a great provider: look at my awesome family, my deeply rooted friendships, and the beautiful mountains I live by. But never can I say that I have experienced God's providential hand at a time in my life when I was in desperate need - not since I was saved. My life is pretty uncomplicated, and I feel like my faith is just an easy-go-lucky thing - I feel it's superficial."

I've always liked the idea of comfort and of stuff. I've always filled my desk drawers with a lot of useless mess, amassed in the name of sentimental value, or for some other equally superfluous reason – not that sentimental value is wrong, but you should have seen the state of my desk (when I still had one). I never was stirred by the idea of going out in the wild and giving up my own comfort – in all its forms – for God's purposes. Missions work really wasn't something I felt called to at all. Leading worship at that time was what I was pursuing, something I was used in for a while. However, it wasn't long before I arrived in Canterbury to start university, and landed into a church that is musically challenging (that should become a new politically correct term if it isn't one already - anywho). Musically talented people were up front leading the congregation into worship. With time, I revisited my mental 'gift list' and looked for other ways to serve, because I was quick to assume that leading worship at that church was something out of my reach. I once sought answers as to whether I should invest in worship in this new setting or look into other places to grow. I have been and still am asked to lead worship in smaller settings, but God has been taking me down another exciting road too. I've concluded that God is presently putting more emphasis on working on different aspects of my life; now is a time for working on my character rather than on my 'worship leading inclinations'. Not long ago, a missionary with a heart for missions (who would have thought?!) came to revive and light up the fire of reaching out to the nations, he based his preach around Abraham's faith.

Abraham's life of obedience caught my attention; my mouth drops open each time I read about him. When called to go to a place he was to later receive as his inheritance, though he had absolutely no clue where it was he was going, Abraham "obeyed and went". Once arrived, he stayed there even when God didn't clearly manifest Himself with powerful signs and wonders to assure Abraham that he was in fact in the right place. I know that I personally need at least ten thousand confirmations as to where it is God wants to take me, to know that I'm in the right place and that it is, indeed, Him calling me. I recognise myself more in the character of Gideon: "give me a sign that it is really You talking to me ... Do not be angry with me. Let me make just one more request. Allow me one more test..." But Abraham was called and he went; he went in humble obedience. He willingly left the comfort of familiarity to go pitch his tent in a foreign land, literally. And, what's more, he died only with the foretaste of the promise he had received. Abraham died in faith that the promise that was made to him would be fulfilled, but never actually came to see it in his own time.

I think I would most probably have given up on God a long time ago. I probably would have wrestled with God on many occasions too. And I know of a lot of things that would have stopped me from following the call. Attachments to a 'here', friends, family, comfort, 'security', the fear of being wrong, of making mistakes... But the Sunday the preacher man came, a hidden longing within me was brought to the surface. If you faithfully read my blog, you'll know that I've already referred to my lack of genuine satisfaction in accumulating things, and have applied the word "simple" to my life with a new direction in mind; He is more than enough, I don't need what I think or what the world around me tells me I do. I've already mentioned I wanted to go someplace where I only had God to depend on and not some back up plan I could lean on, just in case... A place that is void of excess. A somewhere that might be bare of what I consider to be the essentials, but a place that will teach me that ultimately, God and what He graciously provides is enough. A place where His people can teach me more about what life is about, a place where I am brought to humility. A place where God can use me to advance His Kingdom. I don't want to settle for second best; I don't want anything for my life besides what He wills – these words are big and actually scary, and I admit that I definitely don't know what I'm getting myself into but this I know: to lose my life for Him is to gain it.

Friendships are precious, mountains are beautiful as well as great fun to ride and comfort is comfortable and secure, but all these things come to pass. Friendships, most of them will continue in Heaven (I'm working on the ones who aren't as of yet :)), mountains and natural beauty are only a glimpse of God's true glorious beauty which awaits me after my life is spent on earth, snowboarding, well nothing beats that really ;) and comfort…comfort and possessions can be a deceitful security; when they become my prime priority in life, they amount to nothing: they don't fill my soul with any life. God does provide in a wise and perfectly timed way and I want that to sink in more and more; I endeavour to live that out by the inner transformation of God's touch. It's all very well for me to say this now, writing from a place where I'm surrounded by my friends and family, from a comfortable home surrounded by beautiful mountains, a place I know I can always come back to. I realise it won't be quite as easy when actually going through the process of letting go of the people I treasure and the things I'm used to but if that's what God requires of me then I'm willing to sacrifice that. "You've got to give your life for something – my Jesus is worth dying for". And that's who Im giving my life to. Jesus' Kingdom is what I'm giving it for. If Christ sacrificed His life by dying on the cross for me, then nothing He asks me to sacrifice for Him is too hard or too big. "God will not compromise His best for us in the interest of our convenience – Jesus suffered beyond comprehension for us."

Right now, I would love to join a small church based team and go serve somewhere, which is what I'd like to do once I'm done with university. Maybe I'll have something else burning on my heart at that point in my life, maybe this is a life-long calling, maybe one only to last a season. But I'm thinking that I don't want to do this through a big organisation, serving somewhere for only a month and then leave and come back to my comfort haven; I want to get involved in people's lives for a longer period of time, approach things from the inside and build relationships there; I want to get my hands dirty. Between now and then God will undoubtedly be changing my heart towards many other things. For now I'm at university and being used and taught there. We shall see what path He takes me down after that. At the end of the day, one thing is sure: it is simply amazing to see how God's gentle power can change people's hearts.

May I be an instrument of Your peace, an ambassador of Your love, graciously use me for Your purposes, may Your glory be revealed and magnified through Your work in me. Strengthen me with the power that raised Christ from the dead and may my heart be steadfast, Lord You are my only hope.

…Then he called His disciples and the crowds to come over and listen. 'If any of you wants to be My follower,' He told them, 'you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow Me. If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for My sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will find true life. And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? Is anything worth more than your soul?' Mark 8:34-37


"Safety is not the absence of danger; it's the presence of God."