The Melting Point Of Wax

Joey - in response to your last post.

"I've waited for this moment

All my life and more

And now I see so clearly

What I could not see before.

The time is now or never

This chance won't come again

Throw caution and myself into the wind.

There's no promise of safety with these secondhand wings
But I'm willing to find out what impossible means.

A leap of faith.

Parody of an angel
Miles above the sea
I hear the voice of reason
Screaming up to me
"You've flown far too high boy now you're too close to the sun,
Soon your makeshift wings will come undone"

But how will I know limits from lies if I never try?

There's no promise of safety with these secondhand wings

But I'm willing to find out what impossible means.

Climb to the heavens on feathers and dreams

Because the melting point of wax means nothing to me.

Nothing to me.

I will touch the sun or I will die trying.

Die Trying.

Fly on these secondhand wings
Willing to find out what impossible means
Climb to the heavens on feathers and dreams
Because the melting point of wax means nothing to me
Nothing to me.

Means nothing to me

Miles above the sea."

- lyrics by Thrice -

My ears are currently seduced by: Phil Wickham - Give You My World

Notes And Photographs

I got a postcard today from a friend visiting Barcelona. We used to go to highschool together. I remember times when we had conversations about God, Jehova's Witnesses, how she felt missunderstood by her family... I think she saw me as some kind of "safe place" to come to and talk about what was going on in her life. She moved back to Greece after we were done with our baccalaureate. She's written me on a number of occasions. Just randomely. To tell me what she'd been up to, and asking for my news.

Today this postcard has really humbled me. I never wrote a letter back. It's been two years, and I've lamely let time go by, without writing a single letter back. I've often had the intention to, but never carried it through. She's kept track with where I've been. She wrote to me at home over the summer, she wrote to me at my Parkwood address last year, this year she writes to me at my Guildford address. And I have no clue what hers would be if I were to write. Why she still pursues the whole writting letters to me leaves me completely perplexed. I really don't see any reason why she would still take the time, or even have the thought cross her mind to write to me, out of all people.

You write a letter, and another, and then after while, if the person never writes back, you kind of give up. But she has been so faithful to me. And I just don't understand it. It's beyond me.

It's made me think about a lot of things. Recently, in all honesty, I'm having a hard time juggling my "two lives" - the one back home and the one here at university. Investing myself in people's lives in both 'worlds' is sometimes overwhelming and hard to carry emotionally. When I'm in one place, I can just about stay up to date with what's going on there, but it's really hard for me to keep track with what's going on in my 'other world'. As much as I don't want to, there comes a point where I'm faced with a decision I have to make as to how much I can actually take on and invest in from my 'two worlds' at the same time.

My friend's faithfulness and grace seems to have highlighted my unfaithfulness to some of my friends in my life. When I was back home for Easter, I told a very select few that I was back home for fear of being overwhelmed and then of just having to leave again and leave things hanging. On one occasion, I spent an evening with two highschool friends and when I got home I cried. My heart was so heavy from realising how an existence without God is void of any life and meaning. This longing we have, this "god-shaped-hole" we each have was made so real to me, and seeing them fill it with various things just broke my heart. Seeing my friends go through so much pain is not an easy thing. I'm not saying that the Christian life is always happy, rosy and lovely. On the contrary. But without any compass in life, no wonder they need therapeutic support where God could counsel, no wonder they're hurting where God could heal, no wonder...

I don't want to sound like I'm plugging the Christian life as free of hurt, pain etc. It's just that there is so much hope, life and completeness to be found in knowing God.

I really need to learn to give these things up to God and fight to see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel of their hurt. I need to trust that He's waiting for them and that He's orchestrating everything in their lives for them to meet with Him. I guess it's just hard to see them go through so much pain before filling that void with their Creator. I also need to be more faithful to my friends. If I end up focusing on one world, this university one - which is definitely where my life is advancing - I need to pray for my friends back home. Cause in the end, that's what is important. If distance grows as time unfurls, prayer is the way forward; prayer transcends that distance. Man, I need to move my booty and start praying more.

It all started with a postcard ... but I'm really encouraged to be a faithful friend - I've been reminded of what that can look like today. I don't want to be full of empty promises, but I want to be faithful and devoted to my friends, in whichever ways I can, in whichever ways God uses me.

My ears are currently seduced by: Burlap To Cashmere - Anybody Out There?

World Peace

"People care about other people who care for themselves ... and you know what? I don't care about that."

Yep, I went to see that movie last night. Little road trip to Ashford on a clear and fresh spring evening; there's nothing quite like it. We rolled the windows down letting the smell of the damp earth and blossoming flowers invade us. A worship cd was blasting, inviting us to sing our hearts out. I love those car rides, I could ride all the way to Timbuktu like that. And the drive to Ashford itself is so pretty too, lots of places where the trees overarch above the road. Très cool. The Kentish coutryside is quite nice, I must say, especially at this time of the year, when everything's in bloom.

Funny movie. I was in that kind of mood. Also, maybe I can relate, not to the snortyness, but to the lack of will to conform to the sexual feminity that's sold to you in magazines. Gracie Hart is one cool FBI agent :) I think she should be the next Miss America.

If you want to see Sandra Bullock in a yellow and pink Big Bird outfit, give it a go.


My ears are currently seduced by: David Crowder - Illuminate

Inside A Fire Is Burning

I don' t need to buy into what you sell me

The pretty lies and the cunning traps you've laid

Just waiting for me to trip and point your finger at me.

I don't wish to fall into this sick cycle,

Co-dependent on the deceitful reality you throw at me.

I won't cultivate an attitude you've manufactured for me

I won't walk in the comfort of your expectations

I won't watch myself die, behind the bars of the category

You've narrowed me down to;

I won't walk your beaten path.

Inside a fire is burning

A fire shut in my bones

I am weary of holding it in;

Indeed, I cannot

His word is in my heart like a fire.

- Jeremiah 20:9

My ears are currently seduced by: Lifehouse - self titled

The Me You Never Knew

Before I even had a chance to get up from my seat after our lecture had ended, I got harassed by a fellow cultural studies student: "Jeanne!" she called out, "have you seen the movie called 'The Educators'?". Puzzled that she knew my name, and thinking it might have been the english translation for the French movie "Les Choristes", I thought I knew what she was talking about. "Uhm, maybe...?" I replied.

"You really really look like one of the main characters in that movie. I really wondered if it was you while I was watching it." That was enough to make me realise that we weren't talking about the same movie - the movie I had in mind is one full of youngsters; boys. After a brief moment of pretending I had starred in this German movie (it wasn't French after all) and bragging about my fluent German aptitude, I cut the crap and signed an autograph.

Naturally, the first thing I did when getting home was to check out who this imposter was. You see all this time I thought God had said I was unique. I thought God had created my inmost being and had knit me together in my mother's womb in His very own image. Understandably I had to figure out what this was all about.

Well before you explode with impatience, here's a sneak peek ... here I am in my very first movie: by the way - we unfortunately don't look alike, but if I ever want to get VIP access to the Cannes Festival, for a casual chat with Mr. Edward Norton, I'll know who to abduct and impersonate, ja ja meine Freunde!

My ears are currently seduced by: The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

Take My Life

- lyrics by Frances Havergal

Rocky Racoon

Everyone in their right mind apply sun cream before they go snowboarding. Everyone knows that at this time of the year, if you don't protect yourself, you get burnt, seriously burnt - blisters and all. Everyone knows. Myself included. But I wanted to eternalise my last outing of the season by getting myself a goggle tan. So I neglected the cream idea and naively invited the Arpil sun to shine upon my unprotected face.

Walking on the High Street on this busy Saturday has been rather entertaining - it's been amusing to watch people's reactions to my leprotic-looking face. Discreet but intent stares. Unashamed question marks on children's mouths. Sympathetic but inquisitive eyes. Confuzzled frowns.

But it also left me feeling alienated. Uprooted. I wanted to go back to where I felt I belonged. Where I was understood. Back to where my poor peeling tan could freely express itself and not want to hide its face in shame. Back to where people could distinguish a goggle tan from a disease. I wanted to go find my homies ... at least until I stood at the checkout in Tesco.

At that point, the curse of the goggle tan became source of much joy. When I handed my money over, the girl uttered these long awaited words: "Have you been snowboarding?" At that very moment, my mourning was turned into dancing. I instantly felt understood. Accepted. Acknowledged for the right reasons. I walked back shopping in hand, with a smile across my face, oblivious to people's scrutiny.

My ears are currently seduced by: Jack Johnson - In Between Dreams

Wish You Knew

You might say that I have had a sheltered life
But it's in the wake of your fall that I can't deny
How much more life could hold for you -
I wish you knew, I wish you knew

It's not in the arms of any other lover
That you'll feel, 'so much understood'
And it's not by giving yourself away
That you'll more easily walk away


I wouldn't want to flaunt my stability
I've done nothing to earn or deserve it

But I see the tears running from your smiles
And I see the pain bounce from every word you say
I'm left with a bleeding heart for you tonight
Left with a bleeding heart


Listening to you unravel your life
Broke more than my own heart
I'm just wondering what happened
To the you I knew, I wish I knew


Who quelled your thirst for truth?
Who stole the light from your eyes?

Cause I see the tears running from your smiles
And I see the pain bounce from every word you say
I'm left with a bleeding heart for you tonight
Left with a bleeding heart


I know I can't change your mind
I hope you come round with time,
Whisper a prayer for you
I wish you knew; I wish you knew.



My ears are currently seduced by: Passion - Hymns Ancient & Modern

Photomaton 101

"In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, for in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed" - J. Allen

-

One Eighty Times Two – For Whenever This May Find You

You were in my dream last night
We ran down the hills, against the wind
Through the knee-high grass; careless
We wrote poetry in the morning sky
With our kites, extending from our hearts

We laughed til our legs gave way
And in the sunshine we lay
Sinking into the grass
Caressed by the soft breeze

Nurtured by the sweet aroma
Rising from the springtime blossoms
You read me your favourite book,
I drank in your words
And when the sun was at its highest
We found rest in each other's love

'We'll see it all, see it with a view
If we just climb up that mount'
- One eighty times two.
You carried me on your shoulders
We took turns reaching for the sky's dome

I spoke of unsung melodies
Asked if you could hear the harmonies
You spoke of hidden treasures
Asked if I'd be the rose in your wild meadows

We watched the nightfall
Come down upon us,
Slumber's veil swathed around us,
The stars softly lit the dark enveloping canopy;
I found solace in the warmth of your presence


Daybreak; only your shadow lingers
Too close to see, too far to seize
But still dancing on my walls,
Still dancing in my mind,
Still present in everything I see.

Studying Is Good

From the revision I did today for my upcoming exams, I've had a couple wandering thoughts that I thought I'd share with you. You might want to get yourself a piece of paper and pen to take notes from this post. It's really quite insightful!

Love. In the context of the sociology of belonging. In an individualised society, one of love's facets can be seen as the culmination of finding our identity. Being loved equates to being recognized. Love manifests itself as the desire to be recognized, but not just any recognition - we're talking about being recognized as someone special, as being understood as a special and unique individual. It validates who we are. Though we do need to belong to a wider social group too, love and intimacy give us, to a certain extent, reciprocal identification. And romance is the icing on the cake. On the basis of this formulation of love, based around the need for us to belong, I reasoned that we should tell the person we have a crush on that ... we have a crush on them. I'm sure you'll agree with me that it's a flattering compliment to know that someone has chosen you out of all the people they know, as the special object of their affection; they recognized you as someone unique. Even if it can hurt to wear your heart on your sleeve, and bearing in mind that you need to guard the wellspring of your life, I still don't think there's anything wrong with telling someone you have a crush on them, just like that. Even if it makes you feel like you're 12 years old again and you get butterflies in your stomach. You can say "Hey there sexy, next to you, the world looks colourless, the music has no theme and the lighting's dim." Nah, maybe not. But I'm all up for it. Especially cause I'm the kind of person to think about it excessively much, so in the future I shall take my own advice, rather than waste away with indecision :)

Secondly, childhood. Children are constantly at risk, we are told. 'Make sure you're breast feeding your children', 'watch everything they do', 'you should be worried about everything', 'be careful who they associate with', 'don't leave them alone'… Man. And apparently, some crèches have a webcam hooked up to the CCTV that's in the crèche itself so that during the day, the parents can keep an eye on their kids left in the care of unreliable 'strangers'. How sad can this get?
When making notes for this chapter I remembered when my mum taught me how to walk my way to primary school. She taught me the way the first time and then to make sure I had got it right I led the way the next day. I remember her giving me the "don't speak to strangers" talk, and she said that in case anything ever happened, I should just knock on any house in the village and walk in pretending I knew the person living there. I remember times when I was home alone, and I would play outside with my roller-skates, I'd go half way down the driveway and then skate my way up the hill in a hurry, pretending that a big black car was driving up behind me to kidnap me. I practiced unlocking the door really quickly, getting safely inside, and after regaining my breath, down the driveway I went again. I was half kidding, but I thought it would always be handy to have that practice if ever need be. Back in that little French village, where cows made up for half the population, there really wasn't much to fear. But see, already then I was filled with YOU ARE AT RISK ideas – or perhaps it was just my imagination that ran a bit wild, but I wonder what situation kids would practice for nowadays, if they did. Freaky stuff. Sad stuff too, to think that the world has come to this because of the misuse and abuse of trust. I'll admit that I was a bit OTT when left alone in the house with my preventive practices, but other than that, I loved to play in the garden, climb trees and just be a child. Now, a research tells us that half the parents in Britain would not leave their kids play outside unattended. Sad, definitely sad. We insulate children from their childhood, then they end up isolated - deprived from a proper chidhood. But then again, how does one define what a proper childhood is, and the debate never ends...

A Pilgrim's Journey

All eyes are turned towards St Peter's Square. Thousands of people are gathered around St Peter's to pay a last homage to John Paul II; all world religions are most probably represented - people who call themselves atheists included. People are mourning and have waited in silence for a last glimpse of the man who embodied the public face of the Catholic Church. Newspapers are flooded with chronologies of Karol Wojtyla's attained successes during his lifetime. 1978-2005: the Pope has had over a quarter of a century to make a difference and move the mountains he felt God direct him towards. October 1798, Karol Wojtyla is appointed as Pope. He is only the second non-Italian Pope to be elected, after the Flemish, Adrien VI. May 1981, two men attempt to assassinate him, only 19 months after he started carrying out his functions. October 1986, he gathers the biggest faith leaders together at Assisi to pray for peace. March 2000, he openly asks for God's forgiveness for the sins and mistakes committed by the Catholic Church – opposed by and much to the disgrace of many cardinals. May 2001, he breaks the ice between the Greek Orthodox Church and the Catholic Church, wanting to regain harmony between the denominations. He was a man who took a stand for Human Rights; he addressed himself to and offered alternatives for a society increasingly preoccupied with materialism rather than spirituality. He wanted to make people aware of the social injustices caused by the excesses of capitalism and preached freedom around the world. He had real social, economical and political issues on his heart. He also desired to prepare the world for Christ's return by fanning people's faith into flame – it is said that he was very much spurred on by Luke 18:8. Due to his illness, he gradually became impotent but never fooled himself or the crowds about it. In that simple humility, he was a blatant testimony to how God's power can manifest itself and work through seemingly helpless circumstances. He was often misunderstood. But he carried on, because he knew that God wasn't done working through him until he breathed his last breath. He said he felt great peace when he thought of the moment when God would call him home; so he found no reason to stop his ministry before then.

The important thing, whether we agree or disagree with what John Paul II stood for, the values he defended, or the Church he led, is to see what is being accomplished through his death. Newspapers, across the world, or at least across the whole of Eastern and Western Europe, the American and African continents, are literally flooded with articles, testimonies, chronicles, and pictures which breathe hope and life. A good echo of Easter's message. After what we could perhaps call a hasty judgment of this man (I know I never took a particular interest in him), different denominations within the Christian faith are now touched and encouraged by his life of service to God and His people. This is a man who used his gifting and was able to gather masses to listen to him. His charisma brought people together to hear the Good News. Some thought he was being too conservative by teaching on abstinence and for keeping a firm pro-life stance, others among the Catholic Church itself thought he spent too much of his time travelling instead of staying put in the Vatican. Others have found, still find and will keep finding cynical ways to criticise the wave of hope that started from St Peter's Square and which is continually and gently exploding into our private lives, through the media. Some still, will say that although his ambitions were grand, he didn't actually achieve all that much – inequality still persists. "Neoliberalism" is still the 'regime' we live under. But all in all, in the grand scheme of things, that's not so much what has left me perplexed. What I find greatly refreshing is that God's glory jumps right off the newspaper's pages, from the numerous articles dedicated to John Paul II. It's actually quite encouraging to think that a christian man has such an influence on the media, still after his death and that God is being spoken about, page after page, as Karol Wojtyla's life is told. I like to think that God will use this to spark things up in people's lives, and stir something profoundly beautiful within us – if we only let ourselves be open to being changed.

My prayer is that in the same way God moved through Karol Wojtyla's life, so He would accomplish many more things through his death. That lives would be changed when they see the heart of this simple man unfold in the pages of the articles, reports, and pictures. That our hearts would see beyond the man and his human shortcomings, that we wouldn't let our prejudices and presuppositions jump in, but instead, meet with the living God - the author and perfecter of our faith. My prayer is that this man - who knew what loss and pain meant after consecutively losing his father, mother and brother at the age of 21; who lived through the German and Soviet occupation of Poland; who attracted thousands to him to communicate something of God - wouldn't just be another nice guy who lived for a nice cause, but that this man's life and death may redirect people's lives towards their Creator, as well as rekindle hope among believers as to what God is doing among His people to reach the ends of the earth.

Like a blanket, come Holy Spirit, wrap around people's hearts and break down defensive walls they might have put up, as they read, hear and watch how You worked through a simple man's life. There must be more to life, there must be more…Reveal Yourself.

My ears are currently seduced by: Kutless - Strong Tower

A Day In The Life Of

Today, I woke up from the brightness of the sun shining on my bed and after getting up, I had a copious breakfast with Thais. It only consisted of a bowl of cereal, but hey, let's jazz this story up. I opened my 10th handkerchief package; I guess that makes me officially ill now - and nose irritated too! I laughed so hard at lunch time that I wet myself...mhmm - comfy feeling, I promise you. I also went to see Million Dollar Baby, it was such a humbling movie. And the more I think about it, the more I find good things about it. I went to McDonalds for dinner! Shock, horror! You can tell I haven't watched SuperSize Me yet... I hadn't had set foot in a McDonalds in AGES...ever since Claire and I decided to take a chance on the "McWin" menus one summer day of our youth, in the hope of winning the promoted 1000 Swiss francs - as if that was going to happen ... we won instructions for making paper planes and a free drink instead, woot! I walked all the grease off by taking a long walk in the surrounding countryside with my sister though, I am healthy once again. The farm-y cow poop smells brought us back to the good old scout days when we'd dwell in those smells for two weeks straight, during our camps. The stars shone with God's glory in the dark springtime sky. We remembered our worst embarrassing moments. Among all the embarrassing moments I could remember, one stood out in particular. My neighbours have a son which I happened to find rather attractive. So one night, when he was paying a visit to his parents (my neighbours), I had the brilliant idea of taking a picture of him, incognito. He was sitting at his desk and I had a perfect view from my bathroom window, so (oh my goodness, I cannot believe I ACTUALLY did that!) I went to get my camera, set it on "night mode", walked out on the balcony, hid -or thought I did- in the shadows of the night and clicked to take a picture. Of course, having set my camera on night mode, a bright light shone for roughly 5 seconds and then the flash went off. The combination of both the bright light and the flash were quick to get my target's attention and I just stood there, frozen, unable to move. Some seconds later my brain got the message and I stepped back into the shadows and crawled into the bathroom feeling most foolish. Next thing I knew his curtains were pulled shut and it took me a few months before I was no longer embarrassed to walk out of my house. To this day, I am still wishfully hoping that he thought it was my sister...just because I'm nice like that. I was younger at the time, but still, this definitely tops it all off!!

Tomorrow holds many more good things, notably that I must rise at the ungodly hour of 7, so I must end this beautiful day and wish you all a marvellous night's sleep. Ta!

My ears are currently seduced by: James Taylor - Greatest Hits

The Gift Of Life

We westerners tend to look at other cultures and think - weird. They've got all these bizarre rituals, they're not very advanced now are they? We're so much more modernised and down to earth; we are so much more rational. Well, here's an odd western taken-for-granted-one for you: birthdays. Year after year, we celebrate the day of our birth. We rejoice at the idea of blowing one more candle out on the cake our mum baked with love and care, and we can't wait to open the presents we've been waiting for all year long. Then we become too cool to show any glimmer of excitement whatsoever and all the presents we get are booooring. Why does mum give me knitted sweaters I'll never wear anyways? And then we regain some kind of taste for birthdays, just because it's an excuse to party away - we just don't remember what we did for it. Strangely enough, the next stage of this peculiar ritual is to suddenly keep our birthday a low-key thing and whisper our age in a hush - getting old isn't something that should be celebrated, really. Who wants to know our real age when we've laboured at hiding those wrinkles with Yves-Rocher's cosmetics for so long? However, and this just might be the crème de la crème of this ritual, if we are 'lucky' enough to reach the "amazingly old" age-bracket, then it's time to celebrate our 100+ years of age, shout it out loud and clear! We are weird. No doubt about it. We can't even make our minds up as to whether celebrating birthdays is a happy or sad thing; it changes from one decade to another. Is there no room for consistency and/or rationality?

Well, today it's my sister's birthday - for reals, it's no fishy joke. And in spite of the aforementioned complications when it comes to celebrating birthdays, I happen to love other people's birthdays.

Just because it's a chance to celebrate the gift of their life.
Just because it's a chance to share how much you appreciate them.
Just because it's a chance to show them a glimpse of how much they mean to you.
Just because it's a chance to surprise them and make them feel special.
Just because it's a chance to thank them for who they've been to you so far.
Just because it's a chance to remember how blessed you are that they're part of your life.
Just because it's a chance to acknowledge how good God is.

"...things that aren't funny are funny with you, so I'm better when you are around. Sister I love you more now than I ever did." S. Bettens


My ears are currently seduced by: Sarah Bettens - Scream